Common tricks....

retiring this blog

2011-04-15T20:13:00.003-05:00

After no updates for four months I'm sure no one is surprised that I'm closing down shop here. However I do plan to start blogging again over at http://natalielorinblogs.blogspot.com. I'm hoping to keep things a little more purposeful over there, so come check it out.

Danny MacAskill - "Way Back Home"

2010-12-27T17:04:00.000-05:00

Epic bike riding - reminded me of figure skating in a way.

America Beware!

2010-12-03T21:16:00.002-05:00

I highly suggest folks add Peter Hitchen's blog at the Daily Mail to their google readers. For those who haven't heard of him, Mr. Hitchens is brother to the somewhat famous atheist, Christopher Hitchens, and an all-around straight up fellow. Those looking for an introduction to Peter Hitchens should check out his book Rage Against God which chronicles his decent into communist atheism during his schoolboy years and his subsequent return to the Christian faith and all of it's social and political implications. He's interesting, and an excellent writer, and there should be many more of him speaking out in this demented age. If you wonder why it's important to read a political/social commentary on Great Britain I answer simply that as England was we were and as England has fallen so are we. In Rage Against God Mr. Hitchens sketches a poignant picture of a old and honorable culture dying. Portions of the book made me want to weep for the Grand Dame Britannia who is caught up in the fetters of a post-Christian, post-rational society. Which is not to say that his writings are a pangyric on Western Civilization - there have been far too many ills laid at our door. However, it he does provide a thoughtful, incisive look at what happens when a nation abandons God.

high hopes laid low

2010-12-02T23:50:00.002-05:00

Well, all my high hopes for Advent have been postponed for the moment while I try to shake a round of GI mess that hit me yesterday. I'll spare everyone the gory details, but sufficing to say that my Christmas tree is still sitting on the porch, the closest containing my ornaments hasn't been touched, and I spent most of yesterday asleep on the couch. I've already had to cancel one shindig due to this which I hate because I long for meaningful Advent celebrations and with me sick on the couch and not a single bit of my Christmas things out it doesn't feel festive around here one bit. I'm hoping that tomorrow/Saturday I can finally get around to these things, but for now I'm just figuring that God wants to teach me a bit about relying on Him for my strength and not myself. It's a thing I ignore all too often and getting smacked flat on my rumpus the day after telling a kindly concerned husband that I would just push through and get it all done (who knows how) makes me think that God had a few lessons for me to learn. Not that I think God just goes around smacking people, but I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. At any rate I've had amply time to reflect on the proverb that a man might set out on a walk one day, but it's the Lord who chooses his steps. I'm just hoping I can feel better and get some work done tomorrow. Thanksgiving + sickness + mad present shopping have made a hash of my plans for the week - and possibly of my immune system.

storm before the calm

2010-11-20T15:26:00.003-05:00

I find myself greatly in need of a little peace and calm. Hopefully I'll find it when we see the mountains and trees and waves and get away from the craziness that has been "one of those weeks" one right after the other. Somewhere in this I'm learning and growing and becoming better prepared for next year. Sometimes I just wish the learning and the application weren't the same thing.

I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving with family and friends and wonderful food and hearts full of love.

too mad to say

2010-11-17T17:45:00.002-05:00

Just image a stream of vitriol strong enough to melt brick at 50 yards. That's what I wish I was doing to a certain someone who abandoned all his vows to leave his church and his wife. Then he got re-married to a woman his wife knew while they were married.

There are not enough words for men like him.

pincushion in underpants

2010-11-15T00:01:00.002-05:00

I remember Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame) saying something to the affect that the doctor saw him as a pink pincushion in underpants. Well, I can relate. There's something about needles that gives me the heebie jeebies. Can't stand the things. Just thinking about them can make my stomach turn. Yeah, lovely confession for a self-proclaimed grown-up. It's not the pain (which is minimal). There's just some sort of icky gross-out factor that churns my stomach. But, I made an appointment. Tuesday. Nine vials. Fasting. It's bad enough of a full stomach, but you're going to stress me while I have low blood sugar? Jeesh. The doctor he lied to me. He said we probably wouldn't have to do the whole thing again. We'd just do a touch-up. Uh-huh.

Oh well, at least I'm not one of those people forced into getting used to needles. My head is pretty rational about the whole thing. I just wish it could convince my stomach.

Gut reactions? Not always helpful.

Pumpkin Cupcakes + Maple Cream Cheese Frosting

2010-11-12T16:50:00.005-05:00

A teacher at our school got engaged and provided the perfect opportunity to whip up some lovely pumpkin cupcakes. I ended up using a Martha Stuart recipe because it only used ingredients I had on hand and didn't leave me with extra pumpkin puree languishing in the fridge, and they came out very well. As several reviewers noted, these are true cupcakes with a light, moist crumb and none of the heaviness of a nutty, dense muffin. I topped them with a luscious maple cream cheese frosting and decorated the tops with silver sugar sprinkles and edible heart glitter. These things are good! They are somewhat intensely spicy though, so if you make them either plan on adding a nice cream cheese frosting or consider toning down the spices just a little. Needless to say, someone ended up being pretty popular today :)

reviving the grad school dream

2010-11-09T22:01:00.002-05:00

I finally found the program. New Saint Andrew's College has a new masters program for educators in classical schools with low tuition and low residency requirements. It's lovely. Allen has already said that we can talk about how to make it work out for me to go. It's not going to be this year. I'd have to retake the gre and get just slews of paperwork together, but we're definitely looking at figuring out a way for me to apply. At three weeks a year residency requirement it's even something I could potential do with kids, so I reckon I can afford to wait a little. Until then though I can save my pennies and work on getting my credentials together. Either way I'm really excited about the opportunities here. I'm finally getting to do something important that I've wanted to do for years. It's where I want to be. Speaking of which I have a presentation on Rousseau to write.

stay at home wife

2010-11-02T19:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, time out blogsphere. Where are the blogs for stay at home wives? Can someone point me to even one? 'Cause I've done a little cruising around and as of yet haven't found any blog that really managed to write for women like me. There are plenty of homemaking blogs, but practically all of them veer off into Momland at some point. I'm reading this great post about organizing your time and discover that it's a post about how moms should use their time. Nothing against moms here. They are the salt of the earth and bearers of our future. But. I'm not a mom. I don't have to balance play time with me time with hubby time with...... I've got a whole heck of a lot of me time that I have to balance with my incipient laziness and my desire to put my fingers in too many pies. Believe it not, my needs are different. I'm not a single person with a husband or a mom without kids. I'm a wife who stays at home while my husband goes off to work. While I'm not ideologically committed to this way of life for everyone (or even for all seasons of my own life) it's what works now. And by "stays at home" I mean rises around 6:30 twice a week to go volunteer at a classical Christian school along with the various other ways I try to help out my church and community. I'm no "church worker," but I do try to put myself out there and help. Sometimes I help too much and laze around too much at home. Sometimes I do a pretty good job at home and feel the need to reach out more. It's balancing act with a huge learning curve for me. If I had more brains or a better handle on things I might try writing my own stay a home blog for wives. But what would I write about? I'm not sure. There'd be lots of links to Femina (see sidebar) and lots of questions. Of answers I am not so sure. Still, I wish we had more examples that didn't jump straight to motherhood. I wish I had a better idea what I was doing here. I wish I could shake the last of this lousy cold so I can actually start doing it.

Back to my roots

2010-10-31T01:30:00.002-05:00

The past couple weekends Allen and I have enjoyed going back to our roots and spending Saturday afternoon rooting for the home team. That happens to be Auburn for anyone reading this who happens to know anything about SEC football. It's kind of nice. We pull the game up on ESPN.com and share a moment with all our friends and family back in Alabama who tend to keep an ear to the game. And hey, it's a good year to be an Auburn fan. They're number 1 ranked right now, and looking good.

It's not the way I wanted to spend my weekend. I wanted to go off to see the fall colors that I've heard are about peak in parts of the eastern Sierras. But since I haven't been able to shake this darn cold of mine Allen sort of made an executive decision in favor of staying home. It's not surprising. I was actually looking at getting a hotel for the night and not camping at all. I'm the girl who takes her tent down into the 20's and loves it. I plan week long trips over Thanksgiving. I really, really enjoy camping. So when Allen hears me start talking about hotels in conjunction with me telling him how tired I am and how I'm not looking forward to the 6-8 drive I'm contemplating......He said maybe we could go next week if there's still any color in the mountains. The eastern side isn't my favorite anyway. It's a lot dryer than the western Sierras albeit more dramatic. I'm really missing our autumns back east. Aspens might be pretty, but they aren't a replacement for seeing all the oaks and maples turning along the creek down at the farm.

So we watch football and think about home. It's a good life out here, but it's still mainly just California. This time of year especially, home is back east.

wedding nostalgia

2010-10-25T00:06:00.003-05:00

I've got to wait for some laundry to finish washing before bed, so I thought I'd reminisce a little about the recent wedding we attended.

My brother-in-law's wedding was the first family wedding I attended, and the rush of emotions left me thoughtful for many days afterward. I saw my father-in-law's pride in his son's marriage, the little disappointments that ruffle every family event, my mother-in-law's misty eyed pleasure as she watched her youngest son make that most grown up of commitments, and through it all ran the memory of my own wedding. I'm not terribly photogenic. My mom wasn't there with me. The family fighting in my corner was one I'd met comparatively recently. I had one of my dearest friend's there with me that day, but she was as confused as I was about the various events that had brought me to the bride's room without mother or sisters. But through it all I appreciated getting to see how very much my in-laws love their sons and how glad they are to have daughters come into their family. In an odd sort of way they reaffirmed my position as first born - first daughter both to my parents and to them. They are parents to me. They may drive me crazy sometimes, but they stick by me too and are always looking for my best.

Seeing so many lovely weddings it's easy for me to regret all the things my wedding wasn't. I was tired, stressed, nervous, and largely alone. But I'm not alone any longer. Not only do I have Allen, I have a whole new family. If the memories of my wedding elude me (surely I felt something walking up the aisle, but I sure can't remember), I have crisply etched memories of early morning walks in Yosemite, gingerbread cookies on Christmas Eve, nights curled up together, and miles together in the car. I have a whole scrapbook in my head made possible by one faltering step after another towards an altar some four years ago. My impatient, sinful self wants to pout and pine that my pictures will never be as good as someone else's or that my memories can never be as joyful or complete as some other bride's. I want to complain that the world (and God) shorted me on the rarest and most special of days in a woman's life. Sometimes I do. But what happened that day? A whole bunch of people who didn't have to rallied around me to try and make up what was lacking. I married a man who has proven to be a far, far better husband than I ever dreamed possible. I discovered a family that drives me crazy and yet prays for me far more often and earnestly than I pray for myself.

So I sat in the pew beside my parents-in-law and watched a lovely woman walk up and join herself to this family of which I am a part. Ok, so a line or two in the wedding vows made me cringe. I don't like modern language and phraseology in our sacred ceremonies. But I watched. Where Allen and I were they are now; where they will go Allen and I have been, and my father and mother in law are there watching both couples slowly go over ground they first encountered years and years ago. We watch and pray knowing that we can't help each other very much, perhaps wishing we could recapture some essence of early marriage, and finally relapsing back into the realization that maturity is the dearest gift.

They have plighted themselves one to another and are now a new entity who may or may not open their Christmas presents in the traditional family living room with the rest of us. I wish them the very best in their new life, and I'm appreciative of this chance to look back again at my marriage - to see the good and the bad- and above all to be grateful for the gift that marriage has been to me.

Best Butter Crust. Ever.

2010-10-21T12:56:00.005-05:00

I have to link to this pie crust recipe because it is a combined miracle of serendipity and google's search engine.

While visiting my in-laws last week I decided to make a pie, but I didn't have my normal pie crust recipe around, so onward to the Google I went and found this lovely recipe. When I say lovely I mean my father in law mentioned this pie crust at least half a dozen times over the course of 4 days. He's an easy man to cook for in some ways (like Allen he likes plain homey food), but when he goes around talking about several days after said pie was made you know you've found something.

I don't want to violate copyright, so I'll just tell you to view her wonderful recipe for yourself and then I'll jot down a few observations.

You back yet?

Ok then.

I usually make pie crust by hand (unless I'm making a three or four at a time) because it's really not much harder. Also, I think it keeps me more in touch with how the dough is developing. Learning to have a "light hand" with pastry is the proverbial skill that will keep things coming out flaky and delicate. Speaking of which, here's a trick I learned that may have helped with this recipe. After cutting in your shortening agent take a fork and gently toss or whisk the dough for a couple seconds after adding each table spoon of water. You'll be left with lots of dry bits, but try to resist the urge to add more water. Otherwise you might end up with a tough crust. If it doesn't work out quite right the first time you can adjust it later as you get a feel for the dough.

So you've resisted adding more water, and now you're staring down at a rather dry, distinctly un-crustlike assemblage of butter, flour, and salt. Well, since you didn't over mix your dough you should be able to turn all that out on the counter and smoosh (ok, knead) all the bits together without worrying about ruining your crust. Stop just before you think you should and then get after it with a rolling pin. I rarely wait to chill my dough anymore, and I have very few problems with this so long as the dough isn't too wet in the beginning. The rolling pin should get all the last bits together. Just remember to keep turning the dough frequently (and sprinkling flour over it) so it rolls out easily and doesn't stick or tear. (I forget this a lot - especially when I start rolling.)

And one final tip for crusts that I had heard but never took seriously. Trim the bottom crust a little bit long and fold the extra under. A very little will do. When I go to crimp the crust it looks much more finished and doesn't seem to shrink as much in the oven.

Even if you have a working pie crust recipe I recommend you look this one up. It's light and buttery and flaky and everything a good pie crust should be.

philosphy of hiking

2010-10-09T16:53:00.004-05:00

When you spend 8-10 hours hiking up a mountain side you have a lot of time to think. At such times a lot of my thoughts center on just why I wanted to climb this mountain in the first place. After a few hours just putting one foot in front on another can lose its novelty. It's uphill all the way, there's a weight on your back, and the trail is pretty dusty. For a while I just think about where my boots are landing and watching the dust puff up. I listen to my pack creaking and hear the scrapes and clicks of my trekking poles as we traverse a stretch of granite covered hill side. I remember all the days I decided I was too tired to do my yoga or visit the gym, and I wish I'd taken the time when I could. Then I remember the days when I did my workouts anyway and am grateful for the ongoing push and pull of my muscles as I persevere over rain rutted trails and push upwards over awkwardly stair stepped boulders. Gulping the ever thinning oxygen into my lungs I inwardly say thanks that I've been able to work at correcting my anemia. I'm tired but not exhausted. Weary and yet eager to reach the top. I'm stronger for this hill than I was for the last. I rest my eyes on the peaks before me and reach for our evening's camp.

These are most of my thoughts as I tramp my slow way up the mountain. I'm the tortoise and not the hare. I walk long and arrive at camp after others have eaten. But I'm here. I can breathe the sweet September air and feel the first breath of winter rush over us every night. And so I walk over the mountains thinking these simple thoughts. Then, I raise my foot, put it down, and realize that this is life. It is so simple and yet so true. All of our days we spend making our way over the course set before us. We remember the good decisions and the bad, and we add to them according to our own bents. Sometimes we can rest our eyes on some goal and stretch out our hearts to it. Other times life closes in around us and rises before us so that all we can do is keep moving forward in faith that once day we'll reach the top of the mountain and find rest for our journey. The only way to learn how to live is to do it. Providence is both teacher and taskmaster. Every good decision I make at home makes my time on the mountains easier. Every lesson I learn on the mountain illustrates and prepares me for my life at home. I have found it so in other areas as well. Life teaches itself. God is revealed everywhere. We just have to keep looking.

Cause if you keep looking around and putting one foot in front on another, you might end up here:

From Vogelsang

Fletcher Peak on the trail up to Lake Vogelsang. Sometimes it's good to be reminded both of how far we've come and what lies ahead.

Happy Birthday to me!

2010-10-06T19:27:00.002-05:00

Yep, it's my birthday. Went and gave a lecture on Austen's Pride and Prejudice, bought some yarn, and hung out with a friend at Stanford. Tonight there will be steak and coconut spice cake. It's been a good day.

Also, I am wearing a new (and wonderfully cobalty) plaid shirt I found at Ross. Life is good.

lazy backpacker

2010-09-22T13:18:00.002-05:00

I'm prepping for another backpacking trip -possibly the last one this year :( For being too fond of reclining on my sit-me-down-upon* I'm constantly dreaming of unseen peaks and sunsets. I have a hard time getting all my laundry folded, but I long to head out for a stretch of meadow I've never visited and rest my eyes on the ranged peaks encircling and stretching away beyond me. At such times I'm deeply aware of my internal conflicts and compromises. I want to be uber-housewife with a sparkling kitchen, folded laundry, and tidy shelves. In practice I'm easily distracted by books, youtube, and computer games. I strive, and I fall back. For weeks and months I'll plan and dream of some trip only to discover that in the days previous I'd really like a mug of cocoa and a cozy chair from which to enjoy the view. Unfortunately some views are only had with a bit of struggling and scrabbling, and armchairs with the views I require don't come cheap. So I go out in the woods and pretend to be strong and capable, and then I come home and realize how completely lazy I tend to be. In some ways I feel it's one of the deepest disconnects in my character - this chasm between who I suspect I am and who I would really like to pretend to be. Maybe it's just part of the human condition. I think of what Paul said. At any rate, it's once more into the breach. Every day when I find I've wasted my morning or afternoon I just have to pull myself back together and go redeem some of that time - even if it's just a couple hours. Fall down. Get back up. Trip. Sprint. Fall and bash head. Get up again. Stumble about some. Rinse repeat. It's hard to call it progress, but I suppose you could blind determination not to be a slug - not to fall back and miss all the beautiful things that are hard to get and hard to hold. Like mountain sunsets.

(Although if my hiking actually looked anything like that I think I'd stay home. A bashed head ten miles into the backcountry ain't fun. Also, I really hope it's not too cold.)

Dorothy Sayers was in many ways a brilliant author.

not thinking things through

2010-09-15T11:59:00.002-05:00

I keep feeling the need to write, to think, and to be be introspective about this whirlwind we call life. Well, I call it a whirlwind, but sometimes it seems more like one of those hills you see around here - all smooth and grass-covered. Lovely to look at on a drive up 280 but pretty boring after you've been sitting on one for a couple of hours. I look at all the tree a few times, count the ants running around a log, and decide to keep hiking 'cause I've already taken a nap and am getting pretty antsy myself. Extended descriptions aside, whether life is currently a maddening torrent or a particularly boring stretch of lazy river I like to think about what I'm doing. Lately though most of my thoughts have run more like this:

You know I really feel like I could say something about (marriage, dating, the academic elite, women in society, Dorothy Sayers, etc), but [sitting down to write a blog post] here's this implication and that implication. I really don't know enough to be writing about this.

Then I go check my e-mail again and never put in the work to sort out my thoughts on (virtual) paper. In the end I suppose that's another form of laziness. I want to have a considered life, but I don't want to put in the effort. When I do feel like putting in the effort I'm often off doing something else. So that's why I haven't been writing anything very much to the point. Also, I'm tired. My sleep cycles are completely out of whack right now, and no amount of supplements can compensate for that. Hopefully this is just another temporary dip in the search for a healthy equilibrium, but until then I'm just having to ride it out.

Lassen Volcano

2010-09-08T01:30:00.003-05:00

Allen and I spent Labor Day over at Lassen Volcanic National Park. It's a really lovely place to visit. Maybe it's just that I was tired, but the park didn't feel as fast paced as some of the other parks I've visited. We didn't spend every hour of the day trying to see everything we could see, and we both had a really good time. We even took some time out to just lie in the hammocks reading. Still, we did a fair bit. Sunday we hiked seven miles, and read for two hours before heading back to the tent for some tortellini soup and a sip of whiskey around the campfire. There's a trail around Manzanita Lake at the base of Lassen Peak that we took both evenings we were there. It's a pleasant little two mile stroll with what are probably the best views of Lassen Peak at sunset. The alpen glow was pretty fantastic the second night in particular. I don't know that I've ever seen a mountain turn that particular shade of pink. Unfortunately I'd left my camera back at the campsite that evening and don't have a picture.

During our hikes Allen and I got to reconnect somewhat and discuss the coming months. We're going to try and introduce some basic routines into our schedules and make more space for productivity and real relaxation. Of course I'm writing this while I should be in bed. What can I say? There was a reason we needed to discuss this stuff. Of course we also talked about fun stuff - like comparing Vanity Fair to Wives and Daughters and Wives and Daughters to Mansfield Park. We really do have the best conversations when we allow time for them to ripen. Aside from literature we tackled race and class in American society and the significance of language. There's a reason we married each other. We were only the only two left chattering after everyone else had gone back to the football game. You laugh, but that did happen on more than one occasion while we were getting to know each other :)

Overall we had a very good trip, and I'm hoping to carry some of that momentum forward into Fall. It's going to get rather busy between now and Epiphany, and I'd like to be ready for it if I can.

note to self

2010-09-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

When the doc gives you something (in my case a supplement) and says "here, this will even out your brain chemistry and help you feel more motivated" don't forget to take it (or fail to be motivated to take it) and then wonder why you aren't getting anything done. Who cares if it smells bad, and you're feeling particularly lethargic. Take the sassafrassing supplements! You'll feel human again!

Seriously, I feel like I finally woke up this week. Dopatone, you are my stinky but beloved friend.

moving forward

2010-08-18T01:09:00.002-05:00

Got to talking with what I hope will turn out to be a new friend and discovered that there's a classical Christian school that's hiring for the school year. After calling them I decided not to apply, but I did discover an opportunity to volunteer at the school and hopefully learn something of classical Christian educational methods from the inside. As for why I didn't apply, there were several reasons.

1. They had already found a candidate for they position they liked and for whom they were preparing a job offer. Throwing myself into the mix would only have prolonged the uncertainty right before the school year started and probably unnecessarily so. Which brings me to my next two points.

2. Practically no experience teaching a class. I've tutored and things of that sort, but I've never led a class in my life. Some people would just jump right in and give it a try, and if they hadn't already had a candidate they liked I might have been tempted to myself. However I really do better knowing my boundaries and having a somewhat clear idea of what my limits are. I prefer to grow slowly rather than by constantly flinging myself from one cliff after another to test my wings.

3. The final reason I decided not to apply is because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to jump immediately into full time employment. Having found out about the position less than 24 hours previously I didn't feel confident of making a decision like that so quickly.

However, the headmaster did send me a volunteer application. This excites me tremendously because I can get some training and insight into how classical education works and hopefully use that knowledge either when we have kids or when I decide to look for a job myself. I'm somewhat passionate about education, but until I learned about classical methods I never found anything I could stomach long enough to get the necessary credentials to teach. Instead of spending a significant amount of money and time getting credentials in a pedagogy that I personally find appalling just so I could try and leverage that into a foundation for the kind of teaching position I would like to have I can (hopefully) volunteer at this school and get the sort of foundation I would need to later teach there or at another school of that type. I've been wondering what my next step needed to be, and I think I just might have found it.

Anyway, I need to go to bed 'cause tomorrow will be a long day. I've got some of Allen's friends coming over for supper, and I decided there would be lots of lovely lemony cake to go around. That means I need to get some sleep tonight, so I don't fall asleep over the lemon curd tomorrow afternoon.

Must read Shakespeare

2010-08-15T01:04:00.002-05:00

Have you read Much Ado About Nothing lately? If so you really need to read it. Seriously. Go pick up your old Norton Anthology (or I bet you could even find it on-line) and read it. It's pretty much the best Shakespeare play ever. After you've read it go check out Kenneth Branagh's movie version. Or you could do what I did. Check out the movie from the library. Read Peter Leithart's commentary on the play. Pick up my Norton Anthology and read the play. Watch the movie again and discover that Beatrice and Benedict really do make one of the best love stories of all time. The introduction to my Norton tried to argue that Beatrice and Benedict don't really love each other, but in my opinion that's a whole lot of tosh. That critic has probably never flirted in his or her life - or at least never flirted with half the wit it takes to read a Shakespeare play. There's also a lot of good stuff in there about loyalty, wisdom, love, and honesty. Just compare how Claudio and Benedict behave towards their friends and their sweethearts. Plus, for Shakespeare it's quite readable. Got to love the insults. No one can write a good insult like Shakespeare.

We'll miss you, Grandmom

2010-08-02T02:41:00.003-05:00

Saturday evening Allen's grandmother went to be with the Lord. She was very good to us, and we're going to miss her a lot.

tired little girl

2010-07-31T17:59:00.002-05:00

A while back Allen found an integrated health care practitioner and sent me to go see him. He looked at my eyes and studied my posture and had me fill out this exhaustive questionnaire and agreed that I probably had some blood sugar/thyroid/hormone imbalance. Then he sent me to have this massive blood panel done (9 vials, and I really don't like getting labs drawn), and I waited for him to sit down with the numbers and figure out what's wrong with me.

Iron deficiency.

Last thing in the pharmacopoeia I would have suspected. I cook with cast iron, eat red meat, use green vegetables, etc. Nope, not on the radar. Thyroid is a touch sluggish, but all the hormones are firing away like normal. Blood sugar is good. I just don't have enough iron in my system. Having learned that though, it explains a lot. Looking at the list of symptoms was like reading about my life for the past year. So he's got me on some supplements to try and straighten all this out, and hopefully I'll start feeling better in the next couple months.

It's also good to know that often when I didn't feel good I wasn't just lazy and not wanting to get stuff done. Doesn't help with the energy levels, but it does help with the guilt for not keeping my housekeeping up in the way I'd like.

been thinking some more

2010-07-28T11:33:00.002-05:00

I believe my blogging comes in fits and spurts. Sometimes I write down everything. Sometimes I have to chew on things for a long time. There's a mental gestation process as I examine the world around me and seek to discover how I fit into it and where my work should be in it. This past season has been a busy one full of growth and challenges. I've hosted quite a bit of company of both the dinner and house guest varieties. I've planned more than a couple trips for myself and others. I've started to stumble into new routines and new ways of thinking. I have new friends and new goals. I'm loosing weight for pretty much the first time in 4 years. I'm seeking out ministry opportunities in places where I never thought I'd look. In short, I'm constantly picking myself up and catapulting again and again into that insane circus of life.

And now I'm thinking that it's time I started writing again. Today will be busy, but I'm going to try and get a couple thinking posts up by the end of the week. We'll see :)

vintage sewing feet

2010-06-16T20:52:00.002-05:00

Went rooting around under the seat of my sewing stool looking for a foot suitable for making some piping for a pillow I've been making instead of getting ready for Allen's family to arrive tomorrow. Instead finding another foot for my Janome I discovered that the vintage Singer feet I had (which I found in a box under the seat after purchasing the stool from a Salvation Army thrift store)actually fit on my Janome machine. So now if I ever need to use unfolded bias binding I have the foot to do it :) More to the point, my piping came out well. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to get finished before folks come over.

getting by with some help from vimeo

2010-06-15T14:13:00.001-05:00

I've realized that I have to actively pursue mental engagement if I'm ever going to get anything done around this place. It's not enough for me to close the computer and put down the book and put on a rousing round of folk songs, I have to have something to focus my brain on while I'm picking up the living room and such. Sometimes I forget and try to muscle through the fog of refracted thoughts bouncing around inside my head. Doesn't work so well. So I'm off to wrap my head around some exegesis of Romans - good hearty reformed stuff that should pair nicely with a clean living room :)

FIRST!

2010-05-30T22:40:00.002-05:00

Allen went backpacking with me :) We did something like 14-15 miles (haven't added it all up yet), and over 3,000 feet elevation change over 48hrs. We were going to make it a three day trip, but since we weren't able to really plan ahead (apparently the maps for Henry Coe are only sold there) we ended up doing some fly by the seat of our pants planning at the visitor center that (coupled with an usually early start) had us cooling our heals at 1:30 with nothing else to do for the rest of the day and staring at the prospect of a long afternoon with nothing to break the lethargy but a couple of books we'd selected more for their prospective merits as conversation starters and less for their ability to while away a drowsy afternoon. So after a couple hour's nap we decided to pack up, start hiking again, and make a two day loop of it. Besides, the scenery at Coe, though pretty enough as pasture land, wasn't enough to keep me wanting to stare at it for hours on end. I've scene some places where I could just sit and wonder for hours without being bored. The hills east of San Jose....not quite so fascinating. Anyway, I'm super proud of Allen for his unexpected display of hiker prowess. That night when I was feeling headachey and tired he inflated the sleeping pad, fixed supper, and read to me. Then we got up, hit the trail, and made it out in time to get showers and head to church. Based on our experiences I think we'll make a pretty good go of the Sierra's this summer once we're able to get up in them.

I'm not dead

2010-05-16T01:46:00.002-05:00

Wow, popped back over here only to realize I haven't posted anything in well over a month. Well, I guess everything has its season, and I've just been busy poking away at other things. Hopefully I'll soon be back here on a more regular basis -plenty of blog posts whirling about in my head if only I'll sit down and bang them out.

surprised by pain

2010-03-29T23:42:00.003-05:00

Every time I think I've got a handle on it, something will happen, and all the pain of losing my family will rush back over me and take my breath away. I wonder what my sister is fixing for dinner and whether my brother likes a girl. I wonder if they feel the weight of lost years like I do. I wonder if they stop and stare numbly at pictures on a facebook profile wondering what happened to kids who used to read books together and chase each other around the yard. I wish becoming me didn't mean losing you.

pretty glacier, pretty valley

2010-03-23T15:06:00.002-05:00

I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that some of our nations most magnificent scenery is the result of some vast, glorious glacier melting away and leaving behind such splendid rock work as can be seen 24/7/365 at Yosemite National Park. I would therefore submit that glacier melt is not inherently bad. Whether or not it's bad right this moment is for wiser souls to determine.

a rant in miniature

2010-03-21T22:48:00.002-05:00

Not voting or voting for a third party does not mean that you sold out, don't care, are a blinking ideologue, or otherwise don't deserve to be recognized as a part of the political power structure. For a lot of America not voting means expressing a no confidence vote in the candidates and the political structure. This isn't apathy. It's reality. Until the right-wing Christians realize that the Republican Party is bleeding them for their shiny happy family values and their shiny American dollars without wanting any actually part of the Sovereign Christ who established our moral foundation we're going to be in trouble. Until the bright-eyed left wing Christians realize that Democrats just want to pluck their tender heart strings and weave a soothing song of compassion into wide scale theft we're going to be in trouble. Instead of waving slogans and banners around a Washington alive to the lust of power and dead the ways of God I vote we give them a finger waggling, thumbs in the ears, "neener-neener" salute and go back to trying to be good Christians. I'd say this nation has had too much political wrangling and not enough disciplining. Votes haven't changed very much of anything for the better in my short lifetime. I think we'd all be better off doing more praying. I'm better at blogging than praying, but I'm going to give it a shot. Good night this nation is insane! The loonies are running the nuthouse, and I think somewhere along the way we gave them the keys.

both feet and a dehydrator

2010-03-20T17:45:00.002-05:00

I think Allen's right about me tending to jump into things with both feet. Now that I've been trying to plan backpacking meals (I didn't realize that we've got at least 15 trail days planned for this summer -love it!) I'm realizing just how much I tend to dive into things. I mean, who wants to eat freeze dried Mountain House breakfasts when you could eating hot buckwheat cereal full of dried fruit, nuts, and spices? Ok, I can dehydrate cooked grains in my oven super easy. What about dinner though? Freeze dried is expensive, foil pouch chicken is boring (and tinned meat is just suspicious to me), and all the cheap dehydrated veggie mixes contain things we don't like -namely green peas. I can't have Allen getting sick 15-20 miles from a trail head. Turns out I have a friend who can loan me her dehydrator, so now I'm looking at prepping a whole season's worth of dried veggies and sauces =D which I suppose will also double as our emergency food supply should Loma Prieta strike again. Of course in a situation where things fall down I'm not sure where to actually store this supply...It's not like I can put it a shed in the middle of the yard in case the house is structurally unstable. Maybe we just keep praying that we don't have another Loma Prieta down here. Anyway, I'm excited because this will mean I can have backpacking meals for virtually the same cost as eating at home and with about the same nutritional value. However that does mean prepping something over 22 quarts of veggies for dehydrating. This doesn't count ground meats or rice/pasta. Oh boy. Is it too late to just buy them? :D The good news is that once on the trail meals should mostly be confined to pouring the contents of a bag into a pot and boiling up with some water and a little oil to replace the fats you have to take out to dehydrate your meat.

Butternut Squash Soup with Wild Rice and Curry

2010-03-18T23:14:00.002-05:00

I've had this huge (we're talking gigantic) butternut squash sitting around my kitchen for the past month or so. I bought it at the end of a soup for lunch kick and just never got around to cooking it. But since my theme for this week was using up the various vegetables I had lying around I decide to crack it open and try making some soup. I spent an hour peeling, slicing, and removing seeds. (Next time we're roasting it.) My knife needs sharpening, and my wrist got pretty sore by the time I'd finished.

Well I tossed that mountain of squash in my dutch oven along with a container of browned ground turkey from the freezer and a couple cups of chicken stock (also from the freezer). I added some water and went to check my e-mail. Once the squash was soft I mashed it up quickly with my little potato masher and tossed in a couple cups of chopped celery, three carrots halved and sliced, a diced onion, one cup brown rice, and half a cup wild rice. For seasoning I added salt, pepper, a tsp of coriander, 1/2 tsp cardamon, 1T curry powder, garlic powder, and a pinch of red pepper flakes. It turned out quite well -rather savory with balance of sweet and spicy flavors and easy to adjust once dished out by sprinkling on more red pepper or curry powder. It's very colorful as well. You should give me a try and let me know how it comes out. I love soup variations.

and she said Allen wouldn't camp

2010-03-09T15:25:00.005-05:00

So many times I don't understand the world in which I live. For instance, I remember my mom getting very upset that I was contemplating marriage to a man who didn't camp. She was upset that I could see giving up something that I'd enjoyed for so long. Then she turned on me and accused me of never really enjoying it, of lying and pretending to enjoy something that had been part of our family culture and figured so largely in some of my most precious family memories. In the end I think she was accusing me of not being a member of the family. Now that I'm in the middle of planning trips and looking up backpacking meal ideas I recall how upset she was that night in the car where we sat talking while waiting for the younger kids to come out of church. She never came back and said she was mistaken about Allen. She condemned him for not being a certain kind of man, but when he surpassed everyone's expectations by sleeping on the ground and strapping on snowshoes she never apologized. She never said that perhaps she was mistaken about this aspect of his character or interests or his capacity to willingly do a thing because he loves me. That didn't change her. I wonder. What was that argument really about. When I was trying to defend my interest in man who'd said he'd like to go see Colorado National Monument with me, what was that really about? I don't think it was about camping. I don't know if was even really about me. It was probably about her, but I really don't even think that matters much. Listening to that argument one would think she feared breaking the family culture -that I would go off and be a person whom I had not been before and live a life different from hers. When Allen and I married we taught each other new interests. We carry on the cultures of both families and don't belong wholly to either. I wish that could be enough. Why it isn't I don't know.

remembering Yosemite

2010-03-04T15:15:00.003-05:00

Amid all the hustling with maps and guidebooks, trying to figure out vacation time in the most efficient way possible, I feel like I've lost something. Thinking back to the first time Allen and I visited Yosemite I recall how Allen and I didn't have everything figured out. We took a few wrong turns (bad signage in part) and got the campground so late that wouldn't even let us come in and set up. We ended up sleeping in the car with our necks cricked awkwardly and fleece blankets tucked in the windows in an attempt to block the blaring light of the parking lot. As one might guess we arose early with the energy of sore limbs prodding us to be anywhere but there. Pulling out of our would be campground we rolled east through early morning mists that banded about the stands of pine trees on either side, eager to forget our aching necks in the wonder of this fabled valley. As we drove through the mountains we joined up with the Merced river flowing out from Yosemite's moist valleys. The road swept us up into a cleft in the mountain range as we followed the river ever inward. Finally, the mountains opened, and the whole force of the Yosemite Valley broke upon us. With the sun still drifting gently upwards from the rim of the valley, I recall how everything seemed shrouded in golden wraps -El Capitan and Half Dome thrusting their heads through misty draperies that pooled on the valley floor. Against the other wall the silken scarf of Bridalveil Falls waved and danced in greeting. It seemed a lost corner of Eden sent to refresh the souls of men. That is how I first saw Yosemite.

Remembering my first awestruck enjoyment of the peaks and valleys now become so much more family I wonder if perhaps I lose something with my everlasting counting of miles and researching of trailheads. I will never see all there is to see, and there are little to no bad directions. Should I perhaps, in trips planning as well as life, learn to let things go a little? I will never see all there is to behold, and the work I can find for my hands will never be done. Sometimes I think the hardest part of being human is learning to be incomplete and unfinished. Even the majestic Yosemite is thing always changing and never complete. And God has had many more lifetimes to mold that granite than to shape my stubborn heart.

the snooty foodie test

2010-03-03T20:15:00.003-05:00

Do you know the taco bell song? If yes, you're definitely not a snooty foodie. If no, ask yourself if you know the greasy pizza song. If still no, you just might be a foodie. If so get thee to the best greasy pizza joint in town and order it with extra sausage.

Dang.

Now I'm hungry.

P.S. I'm posting this because sometimes I think I'm a snooty foodie myself, and it's such a relief to know I'm not always a snooty foodie. Even when I'm buying organic white sugar.*

*I don't really do that.

Cousins! Yosemite! Backpacking!

2010-03-03T12:57:00.003-05:00

Yes, I'm in that sort of mood :D On a whim I reserved an extra spot when I made our trail head reservation out of Tuolumne Meadows because a friend of ours had mentioned coming out over the summer. Well, he can't make it, but I think Allen's cousin can. I am super excited. This guy is a lot of fun. Don't let the puppy dog exterior fool you -this kid is a fiddle playing, ballroom dancing, sword fighting, eagle scout. That's got to be some girl's dream of romance right there ;) He hasn't said for sure he can come out, but I'm really hoping he does so I can learn some of his super-awesome eagle scout tricks :D

Hmmm, that makes most of Allen's family that we'll have persuaded to come adventuring in California with us this summer since Mamaw is coming out in June to see her mountains. This is going to be the best summer ever!

in retrospect

2010-03-03T00:59:00.002-05:00

The ladies over on Femina posted saying they were going to have a blog party and invited everyone to post links to their blogs so folks could roam around visiting. Got me to thinking about some of my older posts. Consider this a warning or maybe a plea for clemency. I've mellowed out some on the last couple years. Some things matter more. Some things matter less. Either way I'm less strident. I don't have to defend myself so much. So if you're reading back through the archives just remember -older is wiser :D

a softer landscape

2010-02-26T01:59:00.002-05:00

Even as once I might have dreamed of trips out into the great granite peaks of the Sierra Nevada mountains, now I dream of gentle hills rolling away into a dew washed distance. I miss the softer outlines of my southeastern home, and I should very much like to wonder through their gentler outlines again.

Allen, blisters, and rainy trail days

2010-02-23T21:46:00.002-05:00

While Allen was out with his buddies at a conference in Atlanta I went on my first backpacking trip with a friend from church. We went out to Pt. Reyes and set up our tent at Glen Camp before hiking out to Alamere Falls. It's a lovely little fall that comes out right on the beach. Beautiful! Unfortunately we underestimated the mileage and ended up hiking back in the dark on lots of steep inclines. Not fun. Fortunately we had tortellini and a platy of wine waiting for us back at our tent. Don't know that the wine did my sore muscles any good, but it sure helped my way past the end of my endurance outlook on life. Well, the pesto helped a lot there too. We had talked about making a longer, ten mile loop, out of the park in the morning, but our sixteen mile day up and down hills had us pretty whacked. So we ended up packing up our gear in a very light misty rain and hiking out through the drizzle. I'd found two large blisters on my fourth toes that morning that even moleskin couldn't help very much. By the time we got back to the car I was wet, footsore, but still oddly glad to be out hiking through the woods. The rain actually made our typically dry California scenery look very lush and mysterious seen through the drifting bands of fog that shrouded coastlines and hills. Over all I had a very good trip. This whole weekend since Allen left has gone much better than I expected. Once again I've discovered that I'm a stronger person that I think I am, and that's very encouraging. Now Allen is back home (hurrah! hurray!), and everything is very good. I even found a Granite Gear pack I can take on my next backpacking trip. Usually I'd never even think about buying one of them because they're some of the most expensive packs out there, but good old REI was selling them for $150 off through their deal of the day program. If it works I'll have found more pack than I could ever dream of getting at a price I thought couldn't be done with a satisfaction guarantee that's the best in the business. That is a good week!

This barren earth

2010-02-14T02:20:00.003-05:00

Question: What do you do when you do believe that people (ideally Christians) do have the God-given right to have large bountiful families and simultaneously you hold that no holds barred environmental rape is a Bad Thing?

Short Answer: I think that means you're invisible. The enviro-wackos think you're a huge crock of whatsit, and the Far Right (or the religious right) will look at you in disbelief when you try to start a thoughtful conversation about mining on federally protected lands.

Seriously, I've been lurking on this backpacking thread talking about how humans as a species already take up too much space and that going around breeding like we owned the place is a threat to the very values that "we" (outdoor aficionados) hold dear. They're serious. They want to see women educated to a point where they no longer want to have large families, free contraceptives and sterilization, tax laws that punish large families, etc. All this in the name of mother earth and sharing with other species. And it's not like they think each family should get a resource budget that they can use for one kid or for ten. They think you just shouldn't be having that many kids -that even if you raise your six kids to bike commute, compost, and never use plastic bags you're still hurting then environment because you're having way more kids than you "need." It actually makes for some kind of scary reading. Misguided too. Face it, the birthers are always going to win because they're the one's having the kids that are going to outvote, outfight, and plain outnumber the kids you aren't having. These people talk about technology like it's bad because it enables the earth to support an artificially inflated number of people. "Who gave them the right to breed like this and clog the earth with our species?" Uhhh, God? Oh right. You don't believe in God. The point is that they want people to be barren so that the earth will be fruitful. But that doesn't seem to be the way God set things up. If you look at Scripture God is all about fruitfulness. Children are fruit. The works of righteousness are fruit. Fruit on a fig tree is fruit. The children of fruitfulness cultivate the garden so that it will bear even more fruit. In God's economy more seems to equal more. The more we need grace the more it abounds. The more we forgive the more we experience forgiveness. God wants and calls us to cultivate abundance. How exactly this works on environmental issues I don't quite know, but I do know that Christians are called to populate the earth and that as a reflection of God's glory we should strive to use this earth in the most beautiful and fruitful possible. Fertility should call forth fertility and abundance reap as it has sown. The arguments posed by people wishing to limit population size are in some ways compelling if you accept that people can (and do) use the earth in less appropriate ways. However, their arguments lack wisdom because they rebel against God's revelation. I've stayed quiet on this particular issue (on the forum I read) because I doubt I can contribute anything useful to the discussion. Like I said, people like me seem to be largely invisible to the wider culture. We aren't busy creating Christian versions of the latest earth fad, and we aren't on the street corners chanting "Drill! Drill!" We're those quiet people who reject most of the environmentalist's premises and yet think that Christians can and should have thoughtful discussions on cultivating this earth in a distinctly Christian fashion. And I think that discussion needs to begin and end with an attempt to understand what God views as fruitfulness.

Snowshoe therapy

2010-02-02T16:08:00.003-05:00

Seems like my posting has become more sporadic of late. I went through a depressed spell for a while where I was struggling to get things done. Fortunately life seems to be on an upswing for the moment. Getting out into the woods really helped. This past weekend Allen and I went back up to Yosemite for some snowshoeing. Neither one of us had ever been on snowshoes before, and we ended up having a lot of fun. We got to the campground around 10:30, but setting up took a little longer than we expected. For one thing there was about 6 inches of snow on the ground. Hmmmm. Out came the snowshoes, and we got our first taste of snowshoeing tramping down a smooth place to set up the tent. Second hmmmm. There was still too much snow for the tent stakes to grab well. Since I didn't have any sort of snow anchor I ended up improvising with a pair of stakes. I pounded on in as usual and hooked a second stake to it that would lay horizontally, packed snow all around the stakes, and horizontal surface area was enough to the corners to hold. I admit I have a blast with this sort of mildly creative problem solving while out camping. Later, in our sleeping bags, Allen remarked that it's a lot of fun watching me come alive when we start setting up camp. It's true. All those times I'd tell Allen to fire up the stove while I set up the tent. He'd heat up supper while I was happily (baring the truly unrepentant rock) pounding in tent stakes.

The next morning we woke up, fixed lunch, outfitted our day packs, and headed up for Badger Pass. It had rained that night in the valley, and all the way up we saw great clumps of fresh snow ornamenting the pine trees. Once at the trail head we grabbed our snowshoes and headed out to Dewey Point -seven miles round trip. Looking at pictures of winter trails I used to wonder why no one ever went tramping off trail through all that lovely snow. Now, I know. Unless there's a healthy crust on the stuff, snowshoes or no, you'll still sink in to mid-calf, and breaking trail is hard work. The other thing I didn't realize was just how warm you can get snowshoeing. With memories of playing in the snow at Wolf Pass with my family filling the back of my mind I donned two base layers, a fleece pullover, rain/wind jacket, hat, and gloves. Within minutes I had skinned out of my jacket, and by the time we reached the Dewey Pt trail proper I was down to my base layer top and had stashed my hat and gloves in my pack. I ended up losing my hat somewhere on the trail :( It was new too. Hopefully someone will turn it in. Anyway, even having stashed most of my layers I still got warm whenever we had a pull uphill. As for pants, Allen had found some cheap rain pants that ended up working like a dream for keeping wind and wet snow from getting us cold.

We ate our midday snack in a pretty meadow maybe a third of the way in on the Dewey Point trail before pressing on towards the point. Seeing everyone coming back towards up from the point we wondered if we were just a little bit crazy going on as we were, but when we got to the point....You come out on top of the south rim of Yosemite Valley just opposite El Capitan with a perfect view of Half Dome partially shrouded with feathery clouds that gravely danced in and out of the valley. Looking west you could see the outlines of tents perched on the shoulder on a hill with what must have been unbelievable views of the sunset reflected of Half Dome and the following moonrise over the cliffs. We sat on our blue foam pads contemplating the view and eating our sandwiches. I saw someone appear on the edge of the hill as if having emerged from one of the tents. Maybe next year I could think of a trip like that. For now I had to be content with watching the sky changing colors above the fringe of evergreens that grew up along the meadows we passed through on our way back down the trail. We hit the main trail back down the mountain just before sunset and spent a few minutes appreciating the modern convenience located close to the trail head. Getting back on the trail we realized just how close we'd come to hiking the last half mile in ever deepening twilight. Here on the main trail, which was really a summer roadbed groomed for skiing we'd have no difficulty navigating downhill to the car. Out in the woods we'd have been following tracks back, and that's never my favorite way to travel a new trail at night. We got back to the car an hour after sunset with only a little aid from Allen's new headlamp. Overall a very successful trip.

The next day we drove around the valley, walked the short trail to Yosemite Falls for a third time (saw deer tracks), wrote postcards, and took lots of pictures. Then we broke camp, showered at Curry, and headed back towards home after taking a short detour to the swinging bridge in Wawona. That's where my knee started acting up. I think I must have turned my foot wrong or something when went off trail. Somehow I strained the side of my knee. At least I was persuaded we should head home instead of hiking more. Including a stop for bbq we got home around 10pm, so we really didn't need to linger any longer however much the glow of lowering sun on snow tempted me.

I can't wait to go back there again. I'm hoping to get in another couple of trips before the snow melts. Then one more trip in the spring, and afterward I'll probably be turning my attention to less popular parks until fall arrives. There are so many lovely places to go, and I'm blessed to live this close to so many of them.

Dentists....

2010-01-26T01:00:00.002-05:00

I had one of those aha moments where I realized that I'm long over-due for a dental appointment and that I really wish I was young enough to bring my teddy bear and get a sticker for being a big girl. Erg. I got to see my uncle when I went to dentist growing up, and I would still get queasy sitting in the waiting room. You know it sort of mystifies me that I can contemplate packing my life on my back for 3-4 days and disporting myself in bear and cougar country and then when I have to make a dentist appointment...And I'm really hoping that I don't have any cavities. I think I might have one, but I'm praying to be mistaken. Of course if you really can't handle it the nice doctor will give you a pill that will make you forget all of it, but I'm not that far gone. Of course I'm the kid who would start crying on cue when I heard my mom making a doctor's appointment for us because I knew that was probably going to involve stickings of some sort. I keep trying to prove to myself in various small ways that I'm really not a wimp (hey, when I cracked my tibia I was over there fighting back tears and shock because I didn't want to act all wussy), but most times I think I'm probably a wimp. Heaven help me when I have kids.

lovely technology

2010-01-19T21:58:00.004-05:00

I was thinking the other day about all the things I can do more easily with a computer and internet plus access to netflix and iTunes. I can read books on-line through Project Gutenberg , listen to lectures on Christian history or Old English through iTunes, watch movies on netflix, get recipes and workout videos for free all over the place. This all on top of e-mail and blogging and shopping on-line. I must admit that my recent infatuation with the internet comes from my new work out resolution. I can get resistance training routine on-line, yoga and pilates on netflix, and even more yoga video podcasts on iTunes. Don't got to go the gym. Don't got to buy a dvd and hope it's good. Don't got to go the library and then remember to take it back to the library and be stuck doing serially different routines every week. I've basically got those whole archive of fitness routines I can access at will. It's pretty awesome. Also, the lectures. Oh, my soul, the lectures. I've been listening Reformed Theological Seminary's series on the history of the Puritans, and it's been quite interesting. I've been needing to get my head and my body out of the ruts I've fallen into, and I'm just thrilled I can do both without spending any more money.

Anyway, that's my panegyric on internet access. Thank you lovely people who make it all work.

Fear and Fatherhood

2010-01-15T00:39:00.002-05:00

I've been reading an interesting book lately. It's called Holy Curiosity: Encountering Jesus' Provocative Questions and is written by Winn Collier. I picked up off a five dollar table at one of those bookstores that tend to pop up overnight in the mall during Christmas season and consists of a dozen tables with books basically poured out on them. Anyway, I picked up this book, and it's proved rather fascinating. Basically the author looks at the questions that Jesus asked his disciples (and others) during His ministry on earth and asks "Why?" What purpose could God have in asking this question and not the dozen other questions that we would have asked? What can learn from answering these questions ourselves? Why did Jesus ask this particular question at this particular time to this particular group of people? The answers that Collier comes up with are both challenging and encouraging. One chapter in particular caught my attention. In his third chapter titled "Why are you afraid? The grace of letting go," Collier looks at Jesus' question to the disciples when caught in the storm on the Sea of Galilee. On this chapter Collier has a lot of good things to say about fear and the way it works with our lives and our faith, but I was particularly struck by two things. One, Jesus was afraid (ie in the Garden of Gethsemane and again on the cross when God turned His face away). Two, often times our more superficial fears (say of monsters under the bed) are actually manifestations of our loneliness and our fear that we really do have to face the "brutality of life" by ourselves. Collier illustrates this by looking to his own discussions of bedtime monsters with his son. Collier writes:

Wyatt fears he will be left to himself to fend off the menace his imagination conjures up for him...Wyatt wants to know that, as he says it, "If I really need something, you'll come up." So, even as I tell Wyatt that there are no monsters, I want to be quicker to tell him what he needs most to hear--that his safety is not in his own hands, that if any scary creatures are foolish enough to enter my son's room, his dad will be there, hell-on-wheels, faster than he can blink, to dish out a grade-A monster butt whoopin'

Collier goes on to explain to his son how he will be there like greased lightning to pummel any monster his son sees. The reason, he tells his son, not to be afraid of monsters is not because they don't exist but because his "daddy is stronger than any monster there is."

I know that's a fairly extended quote, but I latched on to it because just last week talking to my counselor he observed that there must be times when I feel very lonely. I realized that he's right. I've spent the better part of my life not fitting in and not measuring up, and it's been lonely. On top of that I've been scared. I never really saw how the two might fit together though until I started reading this chapter. Because if you'll look at what Collier says elsewhere in this chapter he's essentially saying that to be alone is to be afraid because that means there's no one outside up to help us face up the brutal realities of life. Loneliness says that it's all up to us--there's no one I can rely on except for myself. And I don't know about the rest of the world, but I'm pretty well aware that one very determined cat could wreck some serious havoc on my rear. That's not to mention germs, cars, muggers, earthquakes, loose gravel, stray bullets, political unrest and all the other bogeymen of my imagination. Of course at this point Collier goes on to talk about our need for God, but honestly one of the things that caught me most was his portrayal of fatherhood. Growing up I always had the impression that Dad would throw himself between any of us and an oncoming car cheerfully with no hesitation. What I also learned growing up was that Dad wasn't going to stand between me and the real monsters that scarred my life. The few times I went to him saying "Dad it hurts when Mom teases me about this, can you help me" I came away discouraged and undefended. It was up to me to take the abuse, alone. I had no champion at all until Allen came along and finally asked what the hell was going on. He was the first person who attempted to fight the monsters under my bed.

I find all this immensely interesting because the way I look at my dad is (big surprise) similar to the way I look at God. If Dad wasn't big enough/loving enough to fight for me then I don't see why God would be either. And so the monsters, not seeing anyone around with proper butt kicking gear, keep trying to multiply. I keep trying to push forward into my fears instead of running away from them. And many times I still feel alone. I need to find the God who is there because to be quite honest the God I know is the one who still hasn't figured out how to keep poor children in Africa from dying of malnutrition. Yes, He died on the Cross to save us from the wrath of God. Yes, He is the perfect Creator of the Universe. Yes, He is God as revealed by His word in the Bible. Sometimes I just wish I could find the God who sits by my bed and tells me not to worry about the monsters in the closet because Jesus has a special roundhouse kick for closet monsters and He'll be here in two snaps if any monster tries anything in my bedroom. And then maybe He could help my mom.

I wish my dad had taken the time to show me that kind of God. Maybe Dad doesn't know that kind of God exists either. I wish he could have though.

an actual resolution

2010-01-14T00:14:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I'm thinking that the exercise/lose weight resolution might actually stick for longer than it took to write it. Since I've already got some momentum going I want to break it down a little better.

1. For January I'm exercising at least 20min a day six days a week. Might reevaluate this either the end of January or mid-February. For now I just need the tiniest non-guilt inducing amount that I can maintain while still getting some benefits.

2. More veggies for supper. Go crazy and fix steamed broccoli and Caesar salad with the spaghetti bolognese.

3. Go back to the eat when you're hungry stop when you're not principle. Stop obsessing about camping gear for 3 hours and get some breakfast! The sale will be there later.

4. Easy on the grains/carbs. This is January. That means we've just come through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Carrot sticks sort of follow logically after all that pie.

letters

2010-01-12T02:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Family,

Can we stop pretending that love is something you earn?

Thanks,

Dear God,

I don't like you very much, but I still need a hug. Can you handle that?

Dear Dad,

I think people are forgetting that I'm your daughter. Do you still remember?

Dear Sisters,

Once, we were good friends. I wish we could be again.

Dear World,

I don't take shit from nobody anymore. You've been warned.

thoughts for the last day of Christmas

2010-01-06T19:50:00.003-05:00

While elsewhere people are putting up Valentine's merchandise and pulling lights down from the rafters, Allen and I are looking forward to the last official hurrah of Christmas. The living room isn't perfectly clean. There aren't any whimsical centerpieces, crackling fires, or gathered friends. There are steaks marinating on the counter though and unopened presents waiting under the tree. This isn't the Epiphany I hope to be celebrating five or ten years from now, but it's the very best Epiphany our travel wearied selves can celebrate this year. And, by God's grace, it's enough. Tonight, with steak and good wine, gingerbread and sweet potato soup, we'll quietly close out what has, in some ways, been the best Christmas we've ever celebrated.

That's the thing about getting better with practice. I don't want this Christmas to be the best Christmas ever because that means I'll spend all my other Christmases looking back to one tiny high point wishing I could go back again and capture a few fleeting moments. I want this Christmas to be the best Christmas so far - not the best one ever. But with that desire comes to the temptation to rush ahead and try to plan three or four Christmases out instead of enjoying the one I have right here. I need to rest in imperfection for a while.

So my bookcase needs organizing, and I can think of a dozen things I'll likely try to do differently next year. But I think it's been the best Christmas so far. And that is enough for this year.

some very California jitters

2010-01-03T18:42:00.002-05:00

If any of y'all have heard the rather arcane news that the sea lions have (mostly) gone from Pier 39 at San Fransisco's Fisherman's Wharf you will perceive the source of my jitters. Apparently the sea lions arrived shortly after the big Loma Prieta quake of '86, and now they're gone. No one really knows why, but of course there's always someone saying "well, the animals always know first." Translated: the big one is coming. I'm an Alabama girl who hasn't ever felt so much as a spoon jingling tremor, and this little quasi-rumor has me just a tad spooked. Here's hoping there's more to the sardine fluctuations than the scientists realize and there's a perfectly plausible reason for this odd occurrence that has nothing to do with large scale plate convulsions. Eep!

A few goals for the New Year

2010-01-02T22:07:00.002-05:00

Nothing very well thought out here but just a few wishes and intentions for the next few months.

1. Go backpacking

This is one I've been planning for and working towards for a long while. We're thinking about making a short trip just to get acclimated, but I'd love to visit Pt. Reyes and Yosemite. Pretty much just gotta get the water filter and rent some packs once we plan our first trip.

2. Go snowshoeing in Yosemite.

This one we're planning to do by the end of this month :D

3. Exercise 3 days a week

Now that I've started getting my mind in shape I'm wanting to work on my body. I don't care if it's five minutes or thirty minutes. I got a new pilates type workout set for Christmas, and I'm planning on putting it to use.

4. Lose 20lbs

Something I've been meaning to/half trying to accomplish for about 2 years but just haven't really settled down to consistently.

5. Read something interesting

Ie Emerson, Shakespeare play I've never read, Calvin, lit theory, theology, etc

6. Read my Bible more.

Yeah, we aren't going to talk about how much I don't read my Bible. However, as I'm starting to become more honest with myself I'm starting to realize just how much I really need to get in touch with the God who is instead of the God I imagine.

7. Find a job and/or volunteer position.

I think it's about time I start spreading my wings and figuring out just where I fit in this world. Besides that I've gots to keep my hands busy.

8. Invite someone over for supper/coffee/lunch.

Repeat as necessary to develop friendships and community :D

Happy New Years with a box of tissues

2009-12-31T17:13:00.003-05:00

Hi folks! Sorry I haven't been posting for a while, but Christmas got extremely busy, and what with all the seasonal germs getting together with the seasonal pie eating I've come down with a cold. So I'm holed up on my mother-in-law's couch drinking tea and postponing packing as long as possible. Tomorrow we start the grand road trip to Dallas to visit Allen's great-grandmother, and I'm really hoping that I'll feel a bit more human by tomorrow morning. With seven people in a seven passenger van for ten hours this is not the time to be hacking up your lungs onto someone else's neck. Anyway, we've had a lovely but busy Christmas and are once again looking forward to being back home.

Hope everyone enjoys their New Year's celebrations!

Counting down the miles

2009-12-17T19:45:00.002-05:00

Pretty soon Allen and I will scrunched up in economy class trying to catch a couple hours of sleep as we count down the miles to Christmas at home. Finally, mercifully, it's all starting to come together. The box of gifts has been sent off -possibly too late for the family gathering on Saturday but in plenty of time for Christmas, but that's not a total disaster since I've got a few more goodies tucked into my suitcase. The living room is lived in clean, by which I mean there's a plate here and some strayed kitchen towels there. Again, nothing disastrous. Similar could be said for most of the apartment with the exception of the back bedroom which has been the staging area for numerous Christmas intrigues and looks the worse for it.

For Advent we have eaten steak and pumpkin pie and homemade soup and leftover turkey sandwiches with lovely wines to smooth out the edges. I've decorated my tree, strung lights, lit candles, and decorated gingerbread cookies. All this and it's still a week before Christmas. It's easy for me to think about the lovely things I'd love to do for Christmas -more handcrafting for instance - and lose sight of the things I have done. A year ago I couldn't have imagined that I would celebrate the holidays with such a relatively low amount of stress. Life, breathing, is coming easier to me. Some of that has unfolded in the Christmas decorations around me and the presents wrapped and under the tree waiting for Epiphany when Allen and I, returned again to this new land, will finish the Christmas season together with all the abundance that overflowed our boxes and suitcases. I've done pretty well for a girl who started the year with as much overwhelming guilt and unredeemed pain as I did. And now I'm sitting here counting down the hours until a friend from church picks us up and takes us to the airport so we can go home for Christmas. It's been an amazing journey.

To everyone else out there seeking beauty, grace, and rest -Merry Christmas.

Almost there.....

2009-12-14T02:15:00.002-05:00

Well Advent is almost over, and Christmas is almost here. It's a sort of happy sad occasion for me because on one hand I'll be going home and on another hand I really like making Christmas in my own home. Ok, so in the past it's been challenging. It's a challenge I've been warming up to these past few years. Since we're flying home this year I've kept things fairly simple overall - there's a strand of lights and a red beaded garland draped over my bookcase, a nativity scene in the bedroom, and another in the living room, some candles, and my tree. Against all common sense I had to have my tree. It's about six feet tall and covered with nearly that many strands of lights. I've got all my ornaments from Granny and Mamaw and Allen's mom on it along with some I painted and some others I picked up here and there traveling. Every year it's about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. One day I plan to be that mom who decorates the house from top to bottom with candles, lights, fruit, greenery, and colored balls. I'm going to build me an Advent nest and curl up inside with a mug of cocoa and a wedge of pecan pie. But for now I'm just one of the kids hopping on an airplane and flying home. I look forward to it. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to the day when home isn't a place you visit once or twice a year.

Advent

2009-12-06T01:22:00.005-05:00

The past week has been simultaneously very busy, very good, and very disconcerting. As for the very busy and very good parts I've found that I've had a lot more energy lately. I'm getting up earlier and getting more stuff done. My bedroom is so neat it almost feels like a hotel room, and we put together our 15ft bookcase in the living room. On top of that I've put up the tree, cooked, gone Christmas shopping, and in general gotten more work done in one week than I used to get done in a single month during some of my bad spells. I'm doing really well, and there is a part of me that finds this very disconcerting. I'm finding myself scrambling for the guilt and angst that have been my environment for the past only God knows how many years. True rest eludes me as my mind casts itself back and forth seeking its old companions. I know that I'm doing vastly better than ever before -I'm feeling better, doing more, and in general more comfortable with myself as an autonomous individual. I know all this, but I'm heaving and gasping like a flatlander in the Alps. I've breathed the air of guilt and insufficiency for so long that don't know what to do now that I'm breathing purer air. That's really what it feels like. I know that everything is going well and that I should be resting and enjoying my labors, but I feel so restless. Allen says I'm learning new habits and won't feel so lost for long, but I never expected that getting better would feel like wandering over some unmarked border where suddenly everyone speaks a different language. It's rather disconcerting.

Pear, Mascarpone, and Almond Tart

2009-12-05T01:43:00.002-05:00

I tried a new recipe out tonight and ended up surprising myself. I usually don't go in for anything too gourmet, but even though this made up quite easily it felt fancy and somewhat decadent. As usual I went hunting for recipes and then adapting one to suit my own ideas.

This recipe is adapted from one at Cookstr.com.

First, you'll need a baked nine inch pie crust in a tart pan (or I used a steep sided pie pan.

For your filling you'll need the following:

2 pears peeled, cored, and sliced
white wine for poaching (I used some Riesling I had on hand)
1/3c brown sugar/succanat
1t nutmeg
1t cinnamon
2/3c mascarpone
1/4c white sugar (I used zylitol)
1 egg + 1 egg yolk
3T milk or cream
1 1/2T almond paste
slivered almonds

The original recipe called for canned pears, but I used fresh and poached them in a mixture of white wine, nutmeg, cinnamon, and sugar. I used just enough wine to almost cover the pears. Once the pears were tender I removed them from the liquid and reduced the liquid to about half a cup -by which time the liquid resembled a dark caramel. (Warning, the boiling wine smelled pretty foul to me until I added the cinnamon and reduced the liquid. Afterwards it tasted great so don't get scared if it smells weird.)
While the liquid is reducing mix together the remaining ingredients in a food processor.

Here is one place where you might want to play around. I ended up arranging the pears in the bottom on the pie pan, pouring the sugar mixture on top, and pouring the custard mixture over all. You could also put the pears on top. I don't think it really matters that much. Either way reserve a tablespoon or two of the liquid because if you pour it on top of the custard you can swirl it around with a fork or a toothpick, and it looks really pretty. Last of all sprinkle some slivered almonds over the top and bake in an oven at 325 for 30 minutes or until the custard is set. Let cool on a wire rack before serving.

This is hands down the prettiest dessert I've ever made. The custard turns a lovely golden color and the sugars caramelize into interesting little swirls. I was worried about the almonds on the top burning, but they ended up adding a lovely punctuation mark to the whole presentation. I think it's also going to be a fun dessert to play around with. There's proportions to play with for one, but I could also change up the flavors (Lemon zest? Red wine? Pecans?) and presentation (different designs and layering methods). For being fairly rich (all that mascarpone) this tart doesn't feel at all heavy like a cheesecake or some pudding desserts. If you accept my usual caveat that I rarely measure and these amounts are generally estimates I think it's worth a shot.

internet resolutions

2009-12-01T14:39:00.002-05:00

Resolved: to stop reading web articles that don't interest me. Far better to put on a timer and just stop and read my book for half an hour than to read things that A. are mere repetitions of things with which I already agree and aren't instructional or edifying or B. lots of words winding down from faulty premises to an unenlightening conclusion. If I want to scroll for information after supper that's fine. There's no reason for me to be wasting my day in this manner. Also, with counseling and such I have plenty of advice and matter for contemplation without worrying about what some person with at least partially ill-conceived ideas has to say about matters of marginal interest.

Now, back to some matters of real worth.

and right into advent

2009-11-30T01:40:00.002-05:00

We appear to have slid ride down the Thanksgiving Day slide only to land in the ball pit of Advent. There's no reprieve this year from all the festive food slinging -no week to spend stretching your belts and digging out your loose fitting pants. It's a turkey sandwich in one hand and gingerbread men in the other. Merciful heavens I don't know how exactly this is going to work. I spend so much time getting ready for Thanksgiving, and now I'm already behind on Christmas. It feels that way anyway. So instead of spending a leisurely day tomorrow running the laundry and in general recovering from the Thanksgiving rush I'm going to be rearranging my living room so that we can go get a tree to put up Tuesday. Since I also wanted to have my new bookcase put together by Christmas I'm going to be clearing out room in the living room tomorrow so that when we come home tomorrow with our Christmas tree we can start on that. SO! This week I'm going to put together a bookcase, decorate my Christmas tree, clean up the apartment, finish shopping for Christmas presents, and try to do at least one Christmas-y thing for myself. Oof. I need a nap.

More thoughts before the Feast

2009-11-25T12:26:00.002-05:00

This is the part where things start to get sad. Looking on Facebook I see my old pastor "incandescently happy" to have his daughter home to Thanksgiving; I see my younger sister updating her profile as she leaves college herself and then arrives at home, and it hurts. It hurts because I don't know what it means for my dad to love me that much. It hurts because no one is at home waiting for their daughter to come and complete the circle -at least if they are they haven't said anything about it to me. There's a lot of heartache there. And when I mention my old pastor I don't mean to say that I think he's a perfect dad or that my life would have been materially better if I'd been born into a different family. For all their flaws I love my parents a lot. I just know that there's a dad out there on Facebook with the biggest grin I've ever seen on his face just because his daughter came home, and I wish that was me and my dad. This is the part of Thanksgiving that hurts. This is where are the old war wounds start aching and twinging in the sweeping east wind of love seen from afar.

thoughts before the feast

2009-11-25T01:07:00.004-05:00

In many ways this upcoming Thanksgiving feels so momentous. It's my first turkey and my first major holiday away from family. It's the first Thanksgiving I've planned and honestly one of the first camping trips I've planned without some major emotional hijinks. I'm starting to enjoy being Natalie -to lose some of the guilt and get back in touch with my desires. It's the night before we leave, and I'm not running around worrying about the unswept floor or the laundry yet to be stowed away. Most of my meal prep is done. I didn't leave a huge pile of dishes in my wake. Allen's pleased, and it looks like the turkey will just fit inside my dutch oven. The vegetables might get the ultra-traditional cooked in an aluminum foil pouch treatment, but but I think it's all going to come together. And no one is crying, yelling, or forcibly losing hair. It's a nice feeling. Tomorrow I'm going to pull together our clothes and personal sundries, prep the turkey, pack the ice chests and freezer bags, and head out to pick up Allen from work before wandering off into the hills. This is probably the least stressed I've been about any trip I've taken this year. Of course this is still the night before. We'll see when I wake up tomorrow morning. Still, I can remember feeling absolutely sick to my stomach the night before a trip from massive amounts of guilt and worry. Yes, and I still wanted to go camping. "The mountains are calling" is a pretty powerful motivator. By God's grace though I've been able to see through much of that guilt and frustration to the larger issues beyond, which has allowed me to reconnect with what's really important. Planning for this Thanksgiving has been so much fun (after the initial bout of homesickness and frustration) because I'm seeing just how far I've come in the past few months. When I look back on the first year Allen and I were married I can't believe just how much of me was buried in a swirling pool of pain, hurt, and denied longing. Sometimes I feel as though I'm only just now waking up after a long hibernation. So like any old bear crawling out of her cave I'm going to wander around in the woods and each a bunch of food.

10 reasons I love smoothies

2009-11-22T21:56:00.003-05:00

Here are my top reasons why smoothies are great.

1. Strawberries
2. Blueberries
3. Pineapple
4. Blackberries
5. Bananas
6. Cherries
7. Raspberries
8. Mango
9. Honeydew melon
10. Papaya

Of the fruits on that list there isn't one of them that I ate regularly before I started drinking smoothies once a day. The odd apple was pretty much all the fruit I ate on even a semi-regular basis. Now on any given day I'm getting in multiple servings of fruit, and during any given week I'm eating eight to eleven different fruits along with kefir, orange juice, carrot juice, and powdered greens. It's a meal that's never boring, always surprising, and endlessly fulfilling. It's like your best relationships in a glass :D

creating beauty - resting in beauty

2009-11-22T16:36:00.004-05:00

Homemaking is finally, slowly starting to make sense to me. It's not just about getting things done. The list is as important as you make it. No one will die if you don't make the bed or dust the china cabinet. I've heard people say that we should think of housework as a blessing we bestow on others, but I think there's more to it than that. I think housework makes room for blessings. Even more so I think it creates opportunities for rest. Making the bed or scrubbing the sink is work. It can be redeemed work, but it's really work. Walking into your clean kitchen to make bread or pies or breakfast pancakes can be rest, recreation, and hospitality all in one. The clean counters make way for restful occupation.

I think this explains something that has puzzled me about my childhood home. Growing up in that home was at times a confusing and traumatic experience, and yet I experienced moments of great peace and rest while there. I think of the sun shining through my bedroom window, the smell of pancakes and coffee in the morning, the sooty metallic scent of the wood burning stove, and the gleam of hardwood floors in the sun's slanting rays. All those memories involved work -often my work at that. Cleaning and polishing the wood floors, washing dishes, carting armloads of wood up the deck stairs. We went to effort and we basked in the results -shining floors, good smells, and warming fires. This puzzled me though because I very rarely saw my mom content and resting from her work, or perhaps I should say that I very rarely saw her resting to enjoy her work. For that reason I think I saw the good results of work and exulted in them without understand why or how they came about and how I should be enjoying them. Now, it's starting to make more sense to me. I hang curtains in the living room (well actually Allen did), and then I sit back to enjoy the soft, frosty colored light filtering through their white lengths. I clean the kitchen so that I can enjoy the rest and joy of mixing up pies for Thanksgiving. It's not work before you play because work is intrinsically more valuable, it's work before you play because rest is more important and therefore requires more preparation.

I think that's the secret.

satisfactory resolution

2009-11-20T16:03:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had the curtains of doom, and today I had the phone call of despair. Fortunately both situations resolved themselves, but I had a good little time of it until they did. First, the curtains of doom. A while back I bought some lovely cream colored gauzy material to make sheers for the bedroom. Since we live on the ground floor with people walking by during the day it's can feel a bit exposed with the blinds open. It's also dark if you leave the blinds closed. Hence the sheers. Well I finally decided I was going to go ahead and get my bedroom curtains up. So first I sat down and very carefully trimmed the fuzzy edges off the selvage. Then I ran a line of fray check down the side just to make sure. Then I thought about how on earth I was going to get that gauzy stuff to lay flat and square for me to measure it out. Then I thought about trying to roll any sort of hem before the edges unraveled under my fingers. Fortunately I wanted my curtains to pool on the floor just a bit. You serious seamstresses may cringe here, but I plopped my fabric on the ironing board and eyeballed a strip of fusing right across it, trimmed the excess, turned the edge under, and ironed. I measured my length from the hem, ran another strip across to fasten the bottom of the sleeve, then measured again and ran another length across the top to turn the raw edge under. I trimmed and turned the top raw edge, ironed it down, then brought the turned edge down the fusing to make a sleeve. I ran off four panels this way before adjourning to my sewing machine to run a straight stitch down each of my "seams" to hold them in place. Normally I think the fusing would hold the fabric, but the weave on this stuff was so loose it wouldn't hold the fusing very well. Fairly straightforward to tell, but it took me at good 30min per curtain just to get all the ironing and trimming done. However, now I have nice, soft, full, draping sheers in my bedroom. They filter the light beautifully and are a soft, almost delicate counterbalance to all the sturdy wood furniture in there. I'm glad I went to the trouble, but I'm not so sure I would do it again in a hurry.

To my next bit of perplexity - I wrote a while back that Allen and I had made reservations up in redwood country for Thanksgiving weekend. Well today I got a phone call saying that California had decided to close that park for the season or something like that. I can't say I understand myself why they don't just raise their prices and/or run their parks more efficiently. I really don't believe that California's budget problems are due to someone leaving the faucet on at their local campground. Anyway, I got that call this morning. Hours of searching for a suitable campground for naught -and the week before Thanksgiving too when all the parks are either closed for the winter or bang full up with reservations. I was perturbed. To put it mildly. With a tent I'm a little less ambivalent about trying to get a site on busy weekends than I would be with an RV. At least with an RV you can always have pretty good odds of boondocking for the night if you can't get a site. It's harder to do that with a tent. Thank the Lord though when I was searching I came across a private campground in that same area that wasn't full, took reservations, and was close to all the areas we wanted to see. I had a bad hour or two of it wondering if we'd be scrapping our Thanksgiving plans, but it looks like we won't have to now. Thank the Lord.

language: a means of miscommunication

2009-11-16T17:51:00.003-05:00

Did a bit of link hopping early today and came upon a list of Groucho Marx quotes translated for the environmentally inclined which I very much hope were intended as a joke for the more humorous members of that community. Alas, I'm afraid they were serious. When you study homo-eroticism in Victorian literature every fop is a queer. When you're convinced the sky is falling every comedian is a planet prophet. I guess. Anyway I thought I'd have some fun with their quotes.

1. "A four-year-old child could understand this report. (pause) Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it."

Decoded: The cause and effect of our current eco-crisis is simple but all the bureaucracy and subterfuge swirling around it makes it confusing and disempowering. Maintain a beginner's mind.

Grouch couldn't possibly have been creating humor by taking an idiomatic statement seriously. Nope, he's asserting that discovering apparent subtlety in an issue is "disempowering" and we should endeavor to bring the same child-like self-absorption and indifference we see in classrooms world-wide to bear on our environmental challenges. Side note: if weather and ecology were so simple I think we'd have much fewer consternation about hunting and endangered species. We could just establish safe minimum numbers for all species and have at it. Also, your picnic would never ever be rained out unexpectedly. You know, because this is all so "simple."

2. "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

Decoded: Firstly of course, he wasn't talking about Planet Green's TV shows. But his point is well-taken. The average American spends 145 hours a month watching television and the net result is a nation mostly unwilling to do the hard work to create social change.

I suppose that to Groucho's apparently intelligent mind television would have little appeal. I would, however, submit that reading a book is rather different from guerrilla gardening or writing indignant letters to Archer Daniels Midland - particularly if it's book written by some right wing nut job intent on drilling oil wells in Alaska. But Groucho didn't mean those kinds of book. Just like he thoughtfully excluded your improving tv shows.

3. "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

Decoded: A not-so-subtle reminder that the U.S. Department of Defense is the planet's worst polluter and biggest gas guzzler.

Yes, because some guy perched on a roof with binoculars and a walkie talkie has a HUGE carbon footprint. Must be the pork rinds he's eating. They'll give him away some day if he doesn't watch out. You can get dna evidence off anything these days.

4. "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

Decoded: Smells like greenwashing to me.

Ok, so it's sort of hard to really misapply that quote.

5. "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

Decoded: The time is long overdue for America to adopt a single payer-style of health care and for each of us to take responsibility for our own health by making greener choices.

A government run taxi paid for by government employees with government issued money is much less expensive because when you run out of money you can just print more. Never mind that children are getting blocks of money for Christmas to use as building blocks because it's cheaper than an apple in the toe of your stocking. Please also note the irony of getting something you're not paying for (my taxes only go to support orphaned whales) as a means of inducing responsibility. We all know that children showered with toys take better care of them than children who carefully hoard pennies and do extra errands to get that new Spider-man action figure.

6. "I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home."

Decoded: The only human with whom a cow would tango is a vegan.

Actually, you're just ugly and step on my feet a lot.

7. "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies."

Decoded: Two words: Clean coal.

They've got a point here, but they could also make the same argument about the Federal Reserve, the War on Terror, and No Child Left Behind. Actually, most any bill or committee you threw this at would stick. Not a fan of coal myself.

8. "Florida, land of perpetual sunshine. Let's get the auction started before we have a tornado."

Decoded: An eerie preview of today's climate change-created monster storms.

Couldn't possibly have anything to do with the Disney World brochures that fail to tell you about the afternoon thundershowers that sweep through nearly every summer afternoon. Groucho, making fun of marketing schemes? Never. (Ok, so you could convince me that this is eerily apt.)

Disclaimer: this is not to say that I am unsympathetic to conservationists and those who seek to use resources wisely and with due consideration for those who will come after us. I love clean water, clean air, fertile soil, and good food. I also enjoy people who use really bad logic to assure us that we don't have to laugh at humor -far better to use those valuable carbon emissions in deconstruction.

Pie in a jar

2009-11-14T01:40:00.002-05:00

Oh my stars and garters have you seen pie in a jar? Trina linked to the post at Our Best Bites that explains (in mouthwatering color) just how to make these darlings. I was wondering what would be the best way to make and freeze individual pies to take camping with us at Thanksgiving, and this is a perfect solution. Now I just have to find some jars. I'm thinking pecan and apple for sure -maybe some pumpkin pie too? Oh boy oh boy oh boy. This is going to be great.

No turning back -I've already ordered the turkey

2009-11-13T01:15:00.003-05:00

Looks like we really are going to go camping for Thanksgiving. We had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with the "remnant" hosted by some folks from our church, but we decided that we wanted to head out. I suppose that (for me at least) despite the griping about being uprooted and away from family I'm curious to see what happens when it's just Allen and I on Thanksgiving making our own traditions and finding our own meaning in the celebration. So we're heading for the hills again, although our plans actually took a left turn. We were thinking about driving out to King's Canyon/Sequoia National Park, but that's just way too much park for us to have a relaxing trip. Perhaps I should say it would be too much park if it was open. I'm not sure about making our first trip out there when A. a significant park of the park is closed, and B. they're saying to pack your sleeping bags and extra food in your car in case it snows and you're snowed in for a while! That would be just a little too much fun for us. Instead, I discovered a campground close to redwood country that even has HOT SHOWERS! That is going to be nice after a few days living in our smartwool socks and polypro base layer. The place itself looks nice enough to stroll through while ruminating over turkey and dressing, and it's also close enough that we can take side trips to Humboldt and Sinkyone if we like. The drive back will also give a chance to explore a section of CA-1 we haven't yet encountered. All in all I think it's a great way for us to visit a corner of Northern Cali without feeling rushed off our feet.

Thanksgiving itself is another matter :D I've decided to be just a tad ambitious for our little sojourn among the big trees. Here's the menu thus far:

Roast Turkey ala Byron's Dutch Oven Recipes with root vegetables
Baked Sweet Potatoes
Green Salad
Cornbread Dressing
Turkey Gravy
and Miniature Pecan Pies
Wine or Spiced Cider to drink

I might add bread if I get around to it.

Sounds like a lot for cooking outdoors, but I already have a 12in dutch oven I can use to cook the turkey and root vegetables. Whole Foods lets you order petite turkeys ahead of time which means I'll be able to get one small enough to fit in my oven. I can prep the veggies before we go and have them ready to add. Ditto for the basting. Sweet potatoes I'll wrap in foil and cook alongside my oven. The cornbread dressing I'll make ahead of time and freeze in muffin tins, so I can bring (and heat) only what we'll actually eat at one time. Since I only have one oven I plan on improvising a smaller oven with some cheap aluminum pie pans. It's easier to do than to explain. Basically you put your food in one pan and turn the other one over on top of it like a lid. To the top pan you've attached a third pan (bottom to bottom) so that you now have a bowl on top in which to put your hot coals. All you need in a drill, screw, nut, and washer. Anyway, I'll warm the dressing up in that (and maybe the bread if I decide to add it), and once the dressing comes out I'll put my mini pies in there to bake and/or warm. I plan to do the pies like the dressing and freeze them in muffin tins and then heat them by putting the muffin tin (probably have to cut part of it out) in my improv dutch oven to warm while we eat. As for the gravy, I'll probably just put the turkey and vegetables on a cutting board covered with foil and mix up the gravy in the bottom of my dutch oven. Sounds about doable I think. The rest of the trip I'm mostly planning on us reusing the leftover turkey either with rice and veggies or over bakes potatoes with salad -maybe I'll throw in some baked apples or such. Now if only it won't rain.

Well, those are our plans.

arguments against wedding do overs

2009-11-09T19:08:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I'm realizing it's a very good thing I didn't get to fully exercise my fancy at my wedding. You think it was bad that the ac blew out at the reception, but at least you didn't have to deal with 500 Scotsmen...err make that Scotsmen singing "500 Miles" because yes I would have. And that's not all I would have either.

"Havering" is apparently an old Scots word for talking piffle; piffle is an English word for blarney, and blarney is an Irish word for nonsense. Nonsense is a American word that describes my thought processes while constructing the above sentence.

tiny bits of longing

2009-11-09T01:33:00.004-05:00

There aren't many good ways to say it. I desperately want a home. I'm getting tired of lodging places. Last year it just about worked. I remember calling Allen up and telling him that little nonsensical me had decided that our little apartment appropriate artificial Christmas tree just wasn't enough. I wanted a proper tree - a real live Christmas tree to stand in the corner of the living room and scratch up my arms while I wound the lights around it and greet me again and again with its festive breath. And Allen said why not. So I heaped up evergreen branches on the mantle and strung all my lights and for a time was blissfully happy in the beauty I had called forth. Even then I wanted a proper house, but it's no hard job being content with that beautiful tree in the corner. Thanksgiving too went well. There was family gathered around, and even if the traditions weren't my traditions they were family traditions nonetheless and enjoyable for their own sake. This year...we aren't flying home for Thanksgiving because it'd be rather spendthrift of us to fly out for Thanksgiving and then fly out again three weeks later. So we're going to be here. Since there's not really anyone here we'd feel comfortable sharing Thanksgiving with it looks like we're on our own. Probably going to pack up our gear and head for the hills again. Thanksgiving dinner will be produced from my dutch oven and not Grandmom's kitchen, but I don't know that there's any help for it. As I indicated though, we are flying home for Christmas. Even though we'll be at home for Christmas there are other problems. If we're going to be gone for roughly two weeks I can't very well put up a live tree in my living room that needs to be watered every few days. If I'm only going to be there two-ish weeks (and over Christmas and New Years to boot) I'm going to be hard pressed to reconnect with all the people I miss. And this doesn't even account for the cheese balls, gingerbread, cider, and hot buttered rum that have become part of our (Allen and I) own traditions. Leave them here? Take them with us? If so how? I see a lot of difficult questions ahead without a lot of really satisfactory answers. There's no other way to say it. I want a home with large windows to let the sunlight in and a corner to put my great big Christmas tree in and plenty of rooms to house those children we don't have yet. I want it close enough to family that I can drive over and see them for Thanksgiving. I want to be back among my own people who know me and love me. This is my third move in as many years of marriage and my forth move in four years -five if count our month of temp housing. I'm ready to have roots again. I suppose a lot of people are. I wonder if I will be one of the lucky ones.

taking the lazy river of indecision

2009-11-05T16:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday the counselor said I need to start basically being more conscious about how I live my day ie not letting facebook happen all day but deciding what I want to be doing at any particular moment. Result? It's a quarter after one, and I've only had a small piece of cheese to eat. And yes I'm hungry. MAKING DECISIONS IS CRAZY SCARY CRAP! Even though he told me I could decide to do whatever I wanted to do I had to actually decide. If I was on FB I needed to decide to be on FB for half and hour or something and then make a new decision after that time was up (even if I decided to stay on FB). Somehow that added up to me not even being able to decide to get something to eat. Yeah. Paralyzed of making wrong decisions? Even when there aren't supposes to be any wrong decisions? YES!!! My problem is that I don't want to decide to do dumb stuff like read on-line comics for hours at a time. I want to decide to do good stuff -like scrub the entire apartment :D But I don't want to scrub the apartment. I want to make a (very belated) smoothie and work on my bedroom. And yet because that means deciding not to worry about the dishes that need doing and the laundry that needs folding and the bathroom that needs scrubbing I find myself unable to decide to do anything. And since I'm not doing anything I might as well read internet comics while I'm just sitting here. Yeah, come live inside this head for a while. You'd be a bit kooky too ;)

Ok, enough ranting. I'm going to give this at least one shot today. The counselor said this was going to be pretty emotionally exhausting, and I think I believe him. I already warned Allen that emotional exhaustion was probably going to translate into frozen food from Trader Joe's.

Ok, for real, going to get up and do something. I think. Damn, this is scary. And it looks so easy when other people do it.

things that no longer send me into hysterics

2009-11-05T04:21:00.003-05:00

I admit that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get all excited about gay marriage and all the various arguments Christians put up against it. I've become convinced that one man one woman no longer cuts any ice as an argument since it pretty completely misses the point. To a certain extent marriage conventions are arbitrary -there is no "obviously" right way to do marriage (or sex or romantic love for that matter). To my limited knowledge we've had polygamy, hetero plus homoerotic relationships on the side, convenient marriages with mistresses on the side, polyandry, and now a huge battle over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to make the same spectacular failure of marriage as all us clean cut, church going heteros. At this point I should probably clarify that when I say "arbitrary" I mean something that's not readily apparent to fallen man. It's not like saying that walking off cliffs is unmistakable bad for humans. So long as enough men and women are getting together to produce enough children to keep medicare from going under what do we care what all the other folks are doing?

I've come to the conclusion that I am against gay marriage for the very same reason that many other people are for it. To the secular mind (secularists correct me if I am wrong) marriage is a commitment made between two people who love each other and wish to solemnize their love in front of witnesses. It is the ultimate form of exclusivity and a proclamation to each other and to the world that this person is hereafter dearest above all to one's self -to be considered, cherished, and enjoyed above all other relationships. Women also like wearing pretty dresses and having a big to do :D I highly advocate all the above, but a Christian marriage adds something more. Beyond any other consideration a Christian marriage depicts Christ's relationship with His bride the Church. Christ (masculine) is betrothed to the Church (feminine). Christ is not betrothed to Himself, and the Church is not betrothed to herself. The secular mind sees nothing in the definition of marriage that cannot be extended to same sex couples, while I see everything. It's not about one man and one woman or two hens and and guinea pig. It's about Christ and His Bride, and because it's about Christ and His Bride it's also about masculine and feminine. And that's why I can't get too excited when people start blathering on about gay marriage. If Christians start showing the world what marriage is (and painting with God's brushes and not just whatever they had on sale at SaveMart) then I believe gay marriage will fade away in light of God's covenant awesomeness. If, on the other hand, we refuse to live together in light of Christ and His Church, then all the referendums, sign waving, and illogical babbling won't stop it.

I'm still going to vote, argue, believe that homosexual relationships aren't God's plan for the world, but I'm going to be a little less hysterical and a little more compassionate when I encounter my unsaved counterparts. I'm going to try and wave signs less and live a little harder in the Gospel. I don't plan on being ignored, but I admit I'd rather be known for my love of God than my propensity to stand about on street corners.

hadn't thought of this

2009-10-29T12:30:00.002-05:00

I might have to rethink my frozen fruit smoothie habit -either that or turn on the heater. Brrr. I keep forgetting that you can actually get cold in California.

because life is good

2009-10-27T01:16:00.003-05:00

You know one thing that makes me feel competent? Homemade biscuits! To me biscuits symbolize pretty much everything awesome about home life. There's winter sunshine streaming in through the windows, the sooty, metallic scent of the wood stove, soft doggy paws clicking over the floor, and fresh out of the oven biscuits with their hot flaky insides just waiting. Any pan where I didn't burn my mouth (and my fingers) on their moments from the oven goodness I just wasn't paying attention. There is nothing to compare. I know I'd had a few things to say about my home life on this blog, but those mornings will always remain for me a delightful memory.

Anyway, this evening Allen and I were having breakfast for supper -sausage, scrambled eggs, cooked apples, and perfectly flaky biscuits with golden brown crusts. While we were eating I was thinking that this is what I want to do when I'm old and (Lord willing) have grandkids. I want to invite folks over for weekends and holidays and sit in my kitchen eating hot biscuits with butter while outside the wind stirs the bare branches and inside a wood fire crackles and glows. Then, while the kids play cards or run in out and out of doors we adults will sit there with our coffee and cider discussing the good things in life. Maybe later we'll go for a walk or play in the leaves with kids. It's a good dream I think.

Out and about

2009-10-25T02:03:00.002-05:00

Took our bikes off to the library today and came home with panniers full. Kind of interesting when you go run your errands on a bike. Walked out of the store with this huge duffle bag we bought to replace the one we lost around Moab and for a moment we weren't sure if we could get both it and the library books home. However, bike bungie cord cargo rack doohicky to the rescue! Got all the books, the duffle bag (yuppy plaid, but hey it's what they had), cookies, the water bottles, and tomorrow's sausage home all in one piece.

odd evolution of a new pasta sauce

2009-10-23T21:42:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just have to wonder at myself. I was going to make one of those dead easy one skillet pasta and hamburger meals. However, after I had my onion, hamburger, spinach, and tomato sauce in the pan and was contemplating whether or not I had room for the pasta to cook in the skillet instinct took over, and I started mixing in milk, wine, cheese, and basil. Welcome to the world new pasta sauce. For being an accident it actually compares quite favorably to the bolognese recipe I've been using.

The recipe is amazingly simple:

2 cans tomato paste
1 can tomato sauce (will use crushed or dice tomatoes next time)
1 1/2 lb ground beef
2 med onions
1 package frozen spinach
1 bunch basil minced
approx 1c red wine
approx 1c milk
1c shredded mozzarella
salt, pepper, garlic, and red pepper to taste.

Just simmer together until all the flavors are developed and onion is translucent.

grief apart

2009-10-20T23:55:00.004-05:00

Recently found out the fiancee of someone in Allen's programming circle has been hospitalized with (as I heard it) pretty much zero hope of ever leaving it. He told Allen that they were getting married this evening. It's one of those situations where you don't know what to do and it feels like every possible course of action is wrong. We're planning to get them a wedding gift as soon as we can figure out what to get them. A nice vase or some crystal candle sticks seems pretty silly and useless when you know the marriage is going to be all too short, but giving them a new mixer just emphasizes the disparity between what is and what they wanted. It really doesn't help any that they're atheists. Death and hope in the face of death are pretty hard subjects for Christians and atheists to grapple with over a hospital bed. All the old sticks about love being eternal ring pretty hollow when you're talking about people who don't believe in God or heaven. I'm really trying hard not to think about the alternatives here. It's kind of ripping me up inside that there are two people who love each other and are standing by each other through one of them more horrific things two lovers can experience, and I'm over here praying desperately "Lord, have mercy." I truly believe that love is the ultimate defiance of death because love is the only thing is this miserable, fallen love that's large enough to reach eternity. As the Bible says, "and the greatest of these is love." "Love never fails." Love existed before creation, and it will exist after this heaven and earth have faded away. To Christians going through pain this can be a comfort. I know for a certainty that if either Allen or I died tomorrow we would be with each other again. Can't say that either of us would really feel like living through that reality, but it would still be real. Atheists don't know this. It's not the way their world works. When you give up the sacrifice at the cross you give up its hope too. I wish God would look into this couple's lives and make the pain stop. I wish God would "prove" Himself, but the fact of the matter is that the Bible says He already has. God gets to decide what constitutes evidence -not us. I can't say I blame Him either. Jesus said that people who didn't understand Jesus and His mission from the Law and Prophets wouldn't believe even if someone where raised from the dead. Well you had Lazarus, and you had Jesus. These events didn't take place in some little backwater town where no one knew what was going on either. Here you have Jesus and Lazarus walking around talking to people and people who should have known still didn't believe. We ask God to prove Himself and forget how many times He already has proven Himself to a people intent on going their own way. This includes me. The reality of God is sitting there in front of us, and we can't even see it. Our lives are filled with pain. With defiant eyes we raise our futile hands to the sky and condemn the Maker we hate for not giving us parents that loved us or life instead of sickness. The only difference between me and the rest of them is that I'm searching for, waiting for the God who loves me not just enough to die for me but to put up with my sloppiness, my temper, and my inattention. And I desperately wish I could give hope to people going through these kinds of situations. How do you give hope, though, to someone saying "God, if you're real, you can make it stop, and if you could make it stop but you don't then you're no kind of God at all." I don't know what to say. I've asked time and again "God, why does it have to hurt so much?" I still don't have an answer, but I do have hope that one day I'll be beyond all this hurt and sorrow.

So enough with all this rambling. What am I going to do? Well someone closer to this couple has offered to get some information for us about suitable wedding gifts, and I'm going to pray really hard that God has mercy. It's the only damn hope any of us have.

Some lists re camping (edit Oct 19th)

2009-10-17T14:53:00.003-05:00

Ok, here are some camping lists. I need a place to put them, and this will do as well as anything.

Backpacking -a tentative list:

Tent: two options here A. rent from REI then buy -primary candidates being either a Eureka Pinnacle 2 (advantages: $100-150 less and more durable) or the Tarptent Squall 2 (fully 2lbs less but less more expensive and less durable) B. given price and return policy buy something like the Eureka Pinnacle -saving the money both on rental and a Tarptent and put the money into other gear.

Bags: TNF Cat's Meow 20 degree (5lb combined). Given time, budget, and opportunity might do something like make/buy a 40 degree double wide quilt. This will give us a low weight summer bag that we can layer over our 20 degree bags if we're sleeping in very cold conditions. (est. 1-1 1/2lbs for a summer quilt + $100-150)

Pads: BA Insulated Aircore -supplement with emergency blanket and/or thin close cell foam pad as needed (3lb combined)

Packs: Two plans, A. rent from REI and buy later, B. depending on price and return policy buy packs from REI. Either way try to find low weight packs (ie Granite Gear)

Clothes:

Winter:
(Moving) Base layer, fleece, wind shirt, nylon pants, socks (wool+liner), hat, gloves w/ liners
(Camp) lightweight flannel/wool shirt, pants, and socks for sleeping. May be layered into day wear if needed.

Summer:
(Moving) wicking shirt/pants, socks (2 liners/liner+hiker), wind shirt, broad hat
(Camp) lightweight shirt/pants + flip flops if needed

Personal Kit:

Toothbrush/toothpaste, hand san, wipes and/or tp, sunblock, deo, Bonners soap, lotion, tea tree oil, fem hygiene as needed, lip balm, lotion, trash bag, trowel, comb, hair band, bandanna -items repackaged and shared as needed/practical

Medical:
Smaller Band-aids (4-6), gauze roll, med tape, butterfly bandage (2-3), Rescue Remedy, activated charcoal (~12), Advil (1-2 indiv packs), calendula, arnica, tweezers, nail clippers, silver shield, stomach comfort (~6), astringent herb (need to look this up)

Safety/repair -
Whistle, emergency blanket, water filter, compass/map (learn how to use), duct tape, needle/thread, id, safety pins

Kitchen kit: Probably will only use for hot drinks/cereal.
Esbit stove and tablets
2 mugs
pot w/ lid
outsak/food sack
cord and carabiner
trash sack
(use bandannas as pot lifters and mug insulators)

Meal ideas:

Breakfast - oatmeal/rice with dried fruit and cinnamon/sugar + turkey jerky
Snacks - chocolate, dried fruit, nuts, pretzels
Lunch - PB on pita (me), (Allen?)
Supper - sandwiches + hot drink (winter) + desert (ie cookies)

Luxury items -
Cards, DSi, camera, frisbee, book

Misc for car camping/winter playing:
Cheap down coat for Yosemite in the winter?
Pie Iron for breakfast fun?
Non-cotton clothing (because cot won't dry very easily when went)

Need/want to acquire:

Marmot Ion wind shirt
Buff multi-configurable hat (they're pretty cool)
lighter tent (rent or check Campmor)
non-cotton shirt and pants for Allen and I (check for bargains)
Ebit stove (should be able to make one)
mugs for cooking/drinking

What am I going to do with all of this?

Backpack at Point Reyes National Seashore,
Go snowshoeing (and maybe learn to cross country ski) at Yosemite,
Hike around Henry Coe State Park,
Cook Thanksgiving Dinner among the Ponderosas,
and someday I'm going to watch the early sun splashing over the Sierra Nevada range with cup of hot tea in my hand and my pack on my back.

Oh a camping we will go....

2009-10-17T14:34:00.002-05:00

I have been something of a gear head this past week as Allen and I gear up for camping season. Yeah, I know. That was summer. However, since it's pretty hard to camp here without a reservation (and reservations are snapped up months in advance through the summer months) I've been looking forward to winter for a while. Just now we've got a trip to Yosemite in the offing and another one that's still somewhat tentative but probably to King's Canyon down near Mt Whitney. The other thing I'm looking forward to is the snow. Even though this area isn't exactly known for it's snow there's plenty of it up around Yosemite, and I find that I suddenly have a passionate desire to go snowshoeing through it's beautiful forests. They even have full moon snowshoe hikes there. I told Allen, that's it we're going. I really thing we're going to have a blast this winter.

That's not all though! Once we get some gear together and find a time we're going to try some backpacking. It's something I've been interested in trying, and Allen says he's game for it. We just have to get our gear together now and find a time and place. That's probably not going to be until maybe January sometime though. Still, some exciting times coming up for us.

Equal in skincare

2009-10-16T19:08:00.002-05:00

I just thought of something kind of funny. Think how the majority of people today seem to buy into all this "equality" rhetoric and then look at all the products marketed just for "a woman's skin" or "your unique needs." Now I think real equality is a completely silly idea, but if you look in my bathroom you'll see that Allen and I pretty much use the same shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and (occasionally) lotion. Silly? Yes. Funny? I think so.

stuffed feelings don't shout in your face

2009-10-15T19:52:00.004-05:00

The past few weeks have really been a time of very intense processing for me. I've realized that in the past I've had trouble voicing my feelings, desires, and hurts. So many times when I thought I was expressing my feelings (like on this blog) I was either making intellectual statements (ie "I think") or making excuses for other people (ie "they didn't realize"). So rarely do I ever say simply "this hurts." If you put a huge pile of guilt and perfectionism on top of that you sort of have my everyday life. Pretty exhausting. And it plays out in the strangest ways. For instance, lately I've been thinking it would be all kinds of fun to try backpacking for a few nights. Allen says he's up for it, so away I go researching lightweight sleeping pads, wind/rain shells, water filtration systems..... the whole kit and caboodle. At first it's fun. "Hey look, REI has their BA insulated air core pads on sale right now -let's sit down and have a talk about how we see ourselves camping in the future." In a way research kind of appeals to me. But then I find myself spending five or more hours a day (yes I said a day) trying to find the perfect wind/rain jacket that's breathable, lightweight, inexpensive, etc. I need to get this right. Things will be very wrong if I don't get this right. Because of various influences I can be highly tempted to point of being absolutely compelled to sit down at the computer and painstakingly research water filters or vacation destinations while dishes and laundry pile up around me. By the time I tear myself away I'm stuck feeling lethargic and guilty with a huge pile of work that I am now mentally ill-quipped to handle. It's no fun. And now that I'm trying to express my feelings and really work though some of this junk I feel sort of like a roller coaster that's lost it's brakes. For instance, I often feel very apologetic about stuff like having a bad day or wanting to do something, and I hate feeling the need to compulsively apologize for stupid things. I really, really hate it. Lately I've found myself apologizing for stupid things and then feeling resentful about it. And if my counselor is right about anger often masking unhealed wounds then I' guessing this will only stop once we've gotten to the festering, bleeding core of things. I thought I had gotten the anger out of my system a long time ago, and here it is coming back. It's like picking at a scab that won't quite heal. I don't like feeling this way. Of course this is where my counselor would be asking "feeling what way?" Anger and resentment are pretty ugly emotions. I suppose I would say that I don't want to be feeling my feelings. And then we get back to where I was when I started going to counseling. It seems like I have to feel the feelings to get through all this and become the stronger Natalie that I hope to be one day. It's just that this stretch of the road is kind of bumpy right now.

Happy birthday to me

2009-10-06T22:51:00.002-05:00

More later - Allen is just back with the candles, and it's now birthday cake time!

fruit of affliction

2009-09-29T16:32:00.005-05:00

Lately I've been doing a bit of thinking about seasons of life, identity, purpose, what it actually means to live with an intentionality that deals confidently and compassionately with the past. Just today I discovered two posts on Femina very much to those points - one on affliction and the other on fruitfulness. I don't know that the good women over at Femina meant those posts to be complementary, but I believe they are. I know for myself that the particularly twists and turns of my own afflictions have made me doubt whether or not I'll ever really be the fruitful person I'd like to be. The phrase, "pensive, doubting, fearful heart," applies pretty well most days. I suppose because it's the nature of children (and indeed most everyone) to be egoists I'm more inclined to look at the various hurts and troubles I've been through and wonder "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" or "surely I must be a terrible, incompetent person to deserve this" instead inquiring of myself and God what should I be learning through all this? Along those lines Nancy Wilson writes:

The Bible has much to say about affliction in this life. God always uses such things to sanctify us, to conform us to the image of His Son, to teach us to follow Christ. It is good to be needy because we have a Savior who loves to bestow comfort in affliction, joy in suffering, and help for the helpless. If we never had need, would we have an idea of His matchless grace?

Afflictions are good for us because they are God’s schoolroom in which He teaches His children many things. Learn to listen and learn to be a good student in affliction. He does all things well. This is not an accident, but part of His good (though hard) Providence in your life. This is an opportunity for faith, without which we will not see the Lord.

Of course such a doctrine of affliction doesn't allow anyone to play the egoist. Maybe we earned the current affliction (ie the defaulting bank clerk) or maybe we didn't (ie an abused child), but either way affliction is something we should view from God's point of view and not own own. It's more a question of what God is doing in His kingdom and less of what we did or didn't do to earn our particular affliction. In some ways it's a hard doctrine and in other ways it's a freeing one. If you didn't earn it you can't even pretend to be in control of it. And yet if we really do believe the Gospel we must believe that suffering isn't arbitrary. It's always redeemed. Meaning that my issues with co-dependency and growing up with the kind of family I did is somehow part of God's ultimate plan to redeem creation. Yeah, I admit that I have no clue what part a couple of co-dependent parents and a few more or less messed up kids have to do with redeeming creation. Couldn't make up an explanation if I tried. Yet despite my own cluelessness I can't help but feel that if God is really in charge of this affliction then maybe it isn't such a crime to feel hurt. Maybe I don't have to shut down my heart and refuse to feel the pain since somehow, somewhere this pain that never quite goes away will be redeemed. It's not a wasted and wasteful emotion. By God's unfathomable grace it's part of my own redemption. That's very helpful to me because in the past I have more or less shut down in the face of pain. I've berated myself in private for wanting things to come out differently. Face it, if you expect a slap in the face, and you get a slap in the face at least you aren't disappointed. However, if you'd rather get a hug and know you might just get a cold shoulder and then get a slap in the face....well more fool you for wanting something you knew you weren't going to get. Way to pile up hurt and disappointment for yourself. So you stop wanting and you stop feeling. Every time you do that a little bit of you dies, but that's ok because at least you don't feel the hurts. At least it's ok until you get so numb that you'd rather feel anything than nothing.

As you might guess, under such circumstances it's pretty hard to be fruitful. When the Bible says "out of the overflow of his heart man speaks" I think it could also say that out of the overflow of man's heart he acts. Consider Jesus's remark that any man who harbors hatred in his heart is already guilty of murder. When you're feeling dead, dry, inadequate, and empty it's really hard to be fruitful no matter how much you might want to be. I know that for myself the fruitfulness comes in little fits and spurts -symbolic of my "pensive, doubting, fearful heart" I suppose. As I said, the connection between affliction and fruitfulness, suggested by the juxtaposition of the two latest posts at Femina, is in this case strictly from my own imagination. Whether or not they ordinarily go together I can't say. I can only speak from my own experience. And in my experience being told I couldn't cook for the longest time didn't exactly make my heart overflow with bounty once I got married and found myself having to cook. I remember I cooked spaghetti for our first meal together, and i was scared stiff. Of spaghetti my friends! Surely I had well and truly learned my own inadequacy. And this is where I found Rachel's post so encouraging. She pointed out that in the case of vines and bushes and fruit trees their fruitfulness isn't contingent on someone being there to appreciate the fruit. I don't normally block quote so much, but she puts it so well. Regarding fruitfulness Rachel says:

If you are like me, probably one of the first things you think of is Psalm 128 “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.”

But the funny thing is that in this verse, the fruitful vine is not bearing children, she is bearing fruit. The children are all off her vine long ago, and are responsible for their own fruit bearing. She is just a heavy laden vine. My mom has always taught that fruitfulness is not equal to bearing children, and here is another example of that. The mere fact of having had children does not mean you are a fruitful person. That would be like the apple trees calling it off after their first year of bearing fruit.

Fruitfulness isn't contingent upon someone being there to applaud, appreciate, or make use of what we do. In that sense fruitfulness is wasteful and supremely unconcerned with other people's reactions. We do the best we can and then drop the fruit where it may. If other people can use the fruit great. If not we just go right on producing it. I find this refreshing because this attitude makes hash of my more utilitarian sensibilities. When I think about taking up writing (and not just blogging) for my own pleasure or learning a new instrument or making something extra for supper I keep finding good reasons why not -mostly because who would they really help besides myself. But if I'm seeing this picture of fruitfulness aright then developing one's talents and putting something a little extra into supper making are in themselves fruitful activities. It doesn't matter if the husband notices or if you ever find yourself pressed up to use your talents publicly. We produce the fruit and let God worry about the harvest. And this is so not how I grew up. I've been so afraid of looking stupid or failing or not being recognized for what I do that I've really been kind of scared to do anything. Contrarily this sort of fruitfulness seems to look to God and to itself for its only justification. That's very freeing. Not having to worry about what every one else thinks.

So I know this all has been very long and rambling, but what am I trying to say? Here it is in a nutshell (if you're skimming stop here). I think any sort of non-Biblical idea of affliction is likely to produce people who either don't know how or believe that they can't be fruitful people. It's hard to have a generous heart when you've tucked it down into the furtherest cranny of yourself so as not to feel it's wounded pulse. Case in point -as women its so easy to feel that without kids we are simply waiting somewhere between contentment and despair for our fruitfulness to begin. But no, God has called His people to affliction and to fruitfulness. They can only be contrary callings if we make then be.

History

2009-09-27T00:51:00.007-05:00

There are things that were said that cannot be unsaid. Forgiveness can't supply the missing words. There are things that were done that cannot be undone. Reconciliation won't rewind those steps. There is pain that cripples because it believes itself to be a weakness instead of a wound. There are the things that may be forgiven but should never be ignored. Like I tried to do. I made excuses for the hurts because I was not sure the kindnesses would have been better. I did not know that there are things I didn't deserve not because of any aspect of my past or anyone else's past but because of my innate dignity as a person. Perhaps I shouldn't make the same excuses for people who hurt me that they made to deny hurting me.

Maybe, just finally, I'm learning to grow up with the me that is and not the me I wish there was.

getting out of hand

2009-09-25T16:48:00.002-05:00

Looks like the camping obsession is getting out of hand. Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about either since we haven't been camping since we went to Yosemite over a month ago. But lately it seems like I can't get away from looking at camping gear and planning what gear to get next. I just ordered a couple of mummy bags to replace/upgrade the super huge two person sleeping bag we've been dragging around with in an effort to assemble gear that we could conceivably take on a one or two night backpacking trip. Anyway I was really excited to have found some good sleeping bags on sale. I had bought my gear for the month. Wasn't looking for more. Then I got an e-mail sale flyer from Campmor (same place I bought the sleeping bags). Now I've got just over two hundred dollars of gear in my wishlist -all on sale and all of it pretty basic essentials that I'm sure we'll want. And I'm out of mad money for the month. The annoying thing is that everything I have on my wishlist I can justify pretty easily. If we're going to be camping in the mountains this fall/winter we're probably going to want at least a warm bottom base layer and probably a water/windproof shell. Fleece jackets would be a good addition to all the cotton we've got in our wardrobes. AND DID I MENTION IT'S ALL ON SALE! Jeesh. /shakes head. Of course none of this includes getting a bike rack for our car, and since we've got a spare tire I'm afraid we won't be able to get by with a fifty dollar trunk rack. It is way too easy to spend money. Way too easy.

No I can't juggle or breath fire or pull coins out of your ears

2009-09-22T19:19:00.002-05:00

How in heaven's name did "entertaining" come to describe the heart warming practice of a person/family inviting you and perhaps a few others over to enjoy a some combination of food, conversation, and possibly cards or a board game? Every time I hear someone say "but of course we love to entertain" my brain conjures up two rival images. One image consists of people shining, polishing, and otherwise gilding their home in the hopes of dazzling the less fortunate the elegance, creativity, and tasteful ostentation of their domestic life. In this sense "entertaining" is understood to refer to that sentiment which prompts people to pay enormous fees to walk around the elegantly furnished homes of people long since dead. At least in the former instance one may reasonably expect refreshment. The second image that comes to mind is that of guests sitting around in expectant silence waiting for their host to do something astonishing such as burst out into an aria or tell a selection of appropriate humorous anecdotes. And here I thought that by cleaning up my apartment and messing up my kitchen to have friends over for a meal I was practicing hospitality. If you want entertainment there's a movie theater down the street. Otherwise I have some homemade bolognese sauce and a bottle of wine that I'd dearly love to share if you can condescend to not being entertained for a single evening.

I know in many ways it's a silly and meaningless usage, but I do rather feel that it obscures what I feel should be happening when people invite other people into their lives for a time. When the emphasis is on entertaining I get a sense more of showing off one's possessions or conversation. However, when one extends hospitality the emphasis seems to be more on making room in your life (however temporarily) for another person and their interests. Entertaining wants crab cakes and champagne. Hospitality might enjoy crab and champagne as much as the next person but will happily make do with hamburgers and iced tea. Of the two I would rather practice hospitality.

Thanksgiving in Cali?

2009-09-18T17:02:00.002-05:00

So Allen and I are facing the prospect of a Thanksgiving in California far away from both our families. At first we were thinking that maybe we'd just bite the bullet and fly out for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but when we really thought about spending that much money for four days with family when we're going to turn around three weeks later and head right back for an extended Christmas visit...it seems the better part of stewardship to just stay in Cali for Thanksgiving. Of course if this were a book put out by your favorite Christian author this is where things would get all heart warming because one of three things would soon happen. We would A. invite an older person without family close by over and (insert heart warming moral/lesson/conclusion), B. be ourselves invited to join a family gathering (insert heartwarming moral about family being where you find it), or C. spend the day dishing up food a local shelter (insert Christian brownie points). The problem is that none of those options really appeal to me. If I wouldn't go feed homeless people any other day of the week I can't see the virtue of doing in on Thanksgiving just so I can feel all warm and virtuous; I can't think of anyone I'd care to invite over, and I'm not so sure I really want to go visit someone else. I still have enough awkward moments around my in-laws during holidays that I'm none too sure I'd want to go hang out with someone else's family. Of course there's always the "young married without family in town Thanksgiving Potluck" that I'm sure someone will end up suggesting. Can't say that really appeals to me either. I suppose at these moments I tend to revert to my mom's attitude. If there's no family to visit then by golly we've got four whole days to go see something. Pack your bags, and crank up the rv. Of course in our case this would translate into throwing the tent into the car and packing the icechest. I really don't know though. Of course if I was at home I probably wouldn't know either because there would at least be a chance that we'd have to decide among three different Thanksgiving meals. But we'd be with family. At this point it doesn't matter if we head for the mountains or the beaches or just stay here. It's still not home. But we make the best of it. If anyone has any suggestions for destinations no more than 5-6hrs from Silicon Valley area I'd love to hear them. I honestly don't know what's good to visit in November in this part of Cali.

no more flu!

2009-09-15T22:43:00.002-05:00

Allen and I are finally pulling ourselves together from our recent bout of flu. I don't know if we had the dreaded swine flu or what, but it sure took it's sweet time. First I had a very dry cold (tight cough), then a very wet cold (kleenex flying about willy nilly), and finally a very stuffy cold (sinus pressure with nightly headaches). I feel like I've had a succession of colds to make up for the ones I seem to missed the past year. Allen's been about the same, although his symptoms have come and gone in about half the space mine did. Having missed three weeks of church I've been half expecting people to start asking Allen if I'm dead or possibly run away :D Of course now that means I have piles of back laundry and dishes that need doing. Marvelous feeling to wake up feeling better and then realize how much work you need to do. Rather makes me feel like going back to bed. We're making a bit of progress at any rate. Made supper tonight for the first time in over two weeks. We've been scraping the bottom of the barrel around here and supplementing with frozen pizza and take-out. Homemade soup is welcome change. Anyway, hopefully I'll be fully up around around in a few days. My bike panniers came in the mail last week, so now I can go to the grocery store and the library without having to carry it all on my back.

Missing Autumn

2009-09-05T19:11:00.003-05:00

On facebook I've been seeing everyone start their annual "my football team is better than your football team" posturing, and I've realized quite suddenly that Fall should be here. Growing up Labor Day always meant another week on the road. For months we'd discuss locations -Maine, Colorado, New England, wherever our fancy and two or three day's traveling could take us. As Labor Day approached we'd check out travel books from the library and watch the weather reports. At some point us kids would be dispatched to vacuum out the rv and stash numerous boxes of cereal. Then, on a Friday afternoon, we'd put the milk in the rv fridge, put a few pizza's in the oven, and wait for Dad to come home. As soon as Dad had come home and changed we did a last check of the house to make sure faucets and ovens and irons were all off; we'd carry down the pizzas on their cardboard rounds, scramble up the steps into the rv, and wait for Mom to lock the door. I can still hear the sound of the that first twack as Mom pulled the rv door closed behind her, and the rv rumbled it's way up the driveway and out onto the road. Sitting there in the rv, eating pizza, and digging into my library I always knew we were doing something special. It was every trip was like Christmas where each day was another present unwrapping itself from the ribbon of the interstate before us. Every sunrise was an entirely new thing seen from a bouncing, swaying window while licking powdered sugar from my breakfast doughnut from my fingers. Even the rain didn't bother us because it was new rain from a new sky, and watching the storm come up over mountain or lake could be half the fun. When you go to see things it doesn't matter near so much how you see them but only that you do see them.

Unfortunately I can never return to those days. I'm even finding myself increasingly reluctant to wear my old vacation shirts because they are the last tangible memories of a time that was necessarily all too brief. Even if I wanted to though I couldn't go back. The university schedule changed much of our travel schedule. Now that we are growing up and going our own separate ways.... How I wish my memories of these days were clearer. As they are I only have snapshots of hikes and sunrises and late nights listening to old radio shows -often as not thinking about some boy I rather liked. They were good times, and I will be forever grateful that I had them.

This is just brilliant

2009-09-03T10:25:00.003-05:00

This is a quote from Lark News article Pastor tries inauthenticity.

BEND, Ore. — For years pastor Terry Bradley of New Life Community tried to be entirely real with everyone.
That experiment is now over.
"Authenticity is bogus," he says. "It's never real. Nobody knows himself well enough to be fully authentic, and trying to self-divulge all the time breeds shallow relationships because it denies the complexity and mystery of human personalities."

If you don't read Lark News you should -this goes double if you're a Christian and triple if you're an evangelical Christian. If what you read there offends you, and you vow to never darken their links again be scared. Be very scared. Remember, the Pharisees couldn't get the joke about them meticulously straining out gnats out of their wine and then golluping a camel in their soup.

Sorry for the below

2009-09-03T10:17:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to say sorry for the sour tone of previous post, and I hope I haven't offended any of you young/new moms out there that might have stumbled across my little blog. However, I think I'm going to keep that post up because I really have felt like that in the past. I suppose I should explain that when I'm talking to a person I have a real life connection to I can genuinely be happy/sad at the news -happy for them but a little sad because of the mess I went through. When it's random people popping up on the facebook news feed throwing out congratulations to people who've been married six months it feels a lot more in my face.

pregnant people (can) annoy the heck out of me

2009-09-02T00:07:00.005-05:00

1. Because so far Allen and I haven't been able to have any

2. Because some of the congratulations and well-wishes almost make it sound like the expectant mother is holier than the rest of us dumb mom wannabes.

3. Because just maybe I think God is punishing me / it's my fault that we haven't had kids yet.

4. Because I don't want to be worthless because I don't have kids or a career.

5. Because coming face to face with a brand new mom in the making brings me smack up against my own pain as a daughter and a wife.

icky sicky -future plan uncertain

2009-09-01T11:29:00.004-05:00

Well Saturday I came down with a sure enough cold. It's one of those things where you feel reasonably alert, but every time you stand up you get the head spinning/kind of weak in the back feeling. So mostly I don't stand up that much :D Unfortunately all this isn't helping me plan what to do over Labor Day. Not having any family in town or anything like that I was thinking we might revert to a Natalie family tradition and hit the road but not knowing how long this cold is going to last I'm pretty reluctant to make reservations anywhere (assuming I still could at this late date -California parks fill up early!). If we don't go anywhere I think I'm going to campaign for us to make that bookcase I want for the living room. Anyway, I think I'm going to find me some breakfast and head for the couch. Even sitting up at the computer desk is less than ideal right now.

A minor to do list

2009-08-28T16:14:00.002-05:00

Ok. I'm really bad and getting going in the morning. Like really bad. So if my to do list seems really belated, that ok. It's better than no to do list.

Today:

-Completely take apart and wash blender (by hand or in dishwasher)
-Unload and load dishwasher
-Start a pot of soup.
-Jump on the rebounder
-Sit down with a glass of smoothie and my Bible. See if maybe I can find this God I keep saying I believe.

We'll see how it goes. But that's the plan for this afternoon.

Flaky like a biscuit

2009-08-28T00:11:00.002-05:00

So I realize that I haven't been posting much on here lately -particularly not much of anything worth noting. It seems like it's part of a general trend lately. My moods have been better, but as I've been in a state of accelerated mental processing it seems like my get up and go has all gone into my head -literally. I can't settle down to anything. I'd rather be talking about something than working on my dishes. It has been a long week though. I sort of pushed kind of hard when my in-laws where in town (all the time saying "it's really no trouble" -liar liar), and once they left I was sort of zonked. Then yesterday (my busy one) I randomly ended up feeling queasy most of the day. Ok then. Today I stood in line for two hours getting my California driver's license. I've done some things, but not too many things, and I'm having trouble getting my ball rolling. I'm pleased to say that this counseling seems to be going really well. At first Allen and I weren't too sure about since it has me driving an hour and fifteen minutes one way to see a male counselor. However, we got the male thing squared away. Leaving the door partially opened seems to appease the gods of propriety, and the drive really isn't that bad. When I leave in good time it can even be quite relaxing to listen to some good music and just muse along to the lyrics. The first couple of times I went I wasn't quite sure how much, how often, how worthwhile these sessions would really prove, but yesterday hit a minor jackpot. I can chatter away for hours about various things -particularly my past-, but he managed to ask a few questions that honestly made me stop talking and think. Although he didn't say it's what it all boils down to, he recommended I read a book dealing with co-dependency. Honestly that's the last thing I would have considered in my own case. After all, I'm the one who broke away and got married. To me that didn't jive with being co-dependent, but then I looked it up and read some of the markers of a co-dependent. Oof. I could see plenty of signs in both myself and my mom. Interestingly (but I don't think oddly) my mom and I have almost entirely opposite tendencies. Where she pushes I hang back. Whereas she seems to feel like things would fall about without her, I am persuaded of the hopelessness of trying to pull things together. And what I find even more interesting is that the symptoms I've thought might be depression seem more likely to be evidence of codependency. It's exciting to finally feel like I'm making some progress in understanding my own behavior and being able to (by the grace of God) change it. Speaking of God's grace, my counselor was also able to draw out some reasons why perhaps I've been ignoring God against my own desires and inclinations. Once he put out there what he saw happening it really made so much sense. Very slowly I can see things starting to change. It might not really look like it on the outside. Goodness knows that most baby steps are bigger than the fractional progress I tend to make. But I really do think that I've got more potential for pushing through some of this and becoming the woman I want to be than I ever did before. Allen's excited too. Things are definitely starting to look up.

Family in town!!!

2009-08-21T10:42:00.003-05:00

Since Allen's folks had to fly out this direction for a conference they decided to tack on a side trip to visit the newly out of towners. Allen and I got the apartment cleaned up, and we're looking forward to a weekend of visiting with home folks. Today I'm going to show them some of our local California attractions -CA 1, Trader Joes, Apple... That covers most of the big ones. They won't have time to visit Yosemite with us unfortunately. We're hoping though that we can convince them to bring Mamaw out here with them next spring sometime and visit a few parks on the way. Anyway, I still need to change sheets and empty the dishwasher and clear junk out of the car before I go pick them up from the airport. And shower. They would appreciate the showering part I think. Then it's off to Half Moon Bay. I can smell the spicy scent of those wave met hills just thinking about it. There's certainly no smell like it anywhere back home.

Hopefully I'll get back to posting some more writing around here. I've been doing some pretty intense processing the past few weeks -the combined results of meeting new people and starting counseling. Rest assured that things are going well.

Pasta for supper

2009-08-10T23:33:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been learning to enjoy homemade pasta sauces. Several months ago I picked up a magazine called "Perfect Pasta" put out by Cuisine at Home. I don't know if you can still find a copy around somewhere, but if you stumble across one I'd encourage you to pick it up. It starts out by explaining how to make some of the most basic pasta sauces and moves on to cover most of the classics -including salads and risottos, and I love that it has at least one picture of every recipe and prep tips to make everything come out faster and tastier. So far I've tried making the oven roasted marinara and the bolognese sauces. Both of them were a big hit with Allen. The marinara recipe in particular is amazingly simple. It's posted below along with my modifications (since I rarely leave any recipe alone!).

Oven Roasted Marinara with Summer Squash

The basic recipe calls for for:

8c quartered, fresh tomatoes
1c chopped onion
1/2c olive oil
4 cloves garlic, smashed
1tsp sugar
1tsp salt
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/4c fresh basil, sliced thin

To this basic recipe I added:

1med zucchini, rough chopped
1med yellow squash, rough chopped

I also added another cup chopped onion. (I had some large onions.)

Rough chop all the veggies and mix together with oil and seasonings in an oven safe dish. Roast them at 400 degree for 45 minutes until the tomatoes are very soft. After you've roasted everything, pulse the mixture in batches to your desired consistency, and add basil. Feel very proud of making your own spaghetti sauce - I know I did!

Tip: I ended up blending too much liquid in with my sauce and making it a bit watery. If a lot of liquid was released during roasting you might want to hold some of the liquid back -at least until you've blended part of it and judged the consistency.

More good news

2009-08-08T17:03:00.002-05:00

Found a counselor in the city. Going to go up there soon and see if I can't get a few answers to some of my questions.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

2009-08-05T18:29:00.003-05:00

Three years today. Pretty soon Allen and I are going to rock it out with some homestyle bbq at one of our favorite joints (ok, chains) from our newly wed days. Good times.

Love you, Honey.

NIGHT RIDE!

2009-07-30T23:51:00.002-05:00

Having attached the blinking lights of safe guidance, Allen and I did forthwith venture upon the night and found that the night received us as one of her own and did usher us gentle down the lamp strung streets of San Jose.

Ok, that's sort of hard to keep up. Sufficing to say we had fun, and no one got hurt. Hopefully we'll have another opportunity to take a night ride together sometime soon. Right now Allen want's me to get off here so we can watch another episode of Leverage.

weight loss for the reasonably healthy?

2009-07-30T18:37:00.002-05:00

Seriously, I see all these weight loss ads/programs/herbs/whatever. What I need is something that will tell me why a girl who eats organic, homemade, balanced meals can't seem to budge a single pound. Seriously, it seems like every time I try making a lifestyle change for the better (raw food, more fruit, biking, getting my broad spectrum supplement, etc) I end up gaining weight. Or if not gaining weight then having weight shift. I know the big thing I need to add into that mix is 15 minutes of rebounding a day and some weight training, but honestly this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Little help that my mom always thought I was overweight anyway. The past few years certainly haven't done much to improve my body image. But, I can't gripe about my weight anymore just now. Betsy and I are meeting Allen at the bike shop to get a rack for B. Then it's off to meet church folks for dinner. Road meet Betsy. You have just met your doom. For these ten miles at least :D

What does depression actually look like?

2009-07-29T00:52:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been wondering just what depression really looks like. I understand that suicidal inclinations and an inability to function because life is just too much to handle indicates real, severe depression, but is that all depression looks like? I mainly ask because for I don't know how long I've cycled through up and down moods. My up moods never really become manic phases, and my down times don't actually cripple me. Not really. My mom used to joke I was bipolar because I could cycle between up an down sooo quickly. Allen actually told me when we were dating that if I was flying too high when he picked me that was a signal to try and get me back home before my mood crashed. And still the man married me. Isn't love great. Fortunately my mood swings have gentled somewhat -or at least lengthened. I still can cycle between up and down in a day, but I don't cycle between adrenalin highs and sobbing in the corner lows. Not normally anyway. Nevertheless I still experience a cyclical pattern of highs and lows. About a week and a half ago I entered a downward swing that pretty much continued unabated until Monday. That is not to say that I didn't have good days during that time. It's just that my default mood is lower than usual. Monday though I woke up, and it was literally as though someone had flipped a switch in my brain. Although I didn't get up any earlier that day, when I did get up I had a much more positive outlook on life and the tasks that needed doing that day. Same thing today. In fact, I was actually upright and coherent when Allen left for work. Just that can be quite a feat some days. In the past I've questioned whether what I've experienced has been some form of depression (sometimes I think that would be a definite yes), but waking up Monday morning and feeling that abrupt switch in my personality has made me wondering whether or not my rolling mood swings actually constitute some sort of depression in and of themselves. I don't have an answer, but I'm thinking it might be time to find some. Yes, I've been through a stressful cross-country move, and I'm struggling to fit into a culture and geography that's strange and slightly scary. I also know that before I had my last depressive episode I was doing better than I have since Allen and I got married. Chores where getting done. I was feeling good about myself. I was looking forward getting fully settled in here and pulling out some of my long neglected projects and hobbies. Then....it all fell apart. I did have some muscular distress in my shoulder that was making deep breathing/sneezing/yawning painful, but I don't know how much of that was correlation and how much was causation. For one thing three days after I went to a massage therapist the pain was gone, and the depression lasted maybe 5-6 days longer. Could be related. At any rate I can't think of any one thing that triggers these blue moods of mine. A common frustration/complaint with me is that as soon as I get things on track I get knocked back on my back again. Could this be one of depression's many faces? If so it would explain so much of my discouragement over not being able to keep to a schedule longer than a few weeks because what can start coming naturally when I'm in a good mood can seem like an impossible burden when I'm in one of my blue phases.

One reason why I haven't sought out professional guidance on this issue is that my moods never really get that bad. I certainly become lower functioning, but I never really get dysfunctional. Heck, during this last rough patch I even managed to keep making my smoothies. Considering that when I get depressed it takes a good deal of mental effort to do anything for myself I'd call that forward progress. Peanut butter on rice cakes and frozen fruit smoothies might not be a complete and varied diet, but it sure beats what I've eaten in the past when I get down. So like I said, my down times aren't, on any absolute scale, that bad. They're just bad enough, and they keep coming back. Towards the end of last week I found swing music helping me to get moving and face the day. Maybe it's matter of environment and learning to talk my way through it. Maybe I need to find me a decompression chamber -be it bike riding, pedicures, or taking my hammock off to the park with my last Agatha Christie find. Maybe it means hanging out on the sofa trusting that my bad days will pass. I don't know, and I think it's time I start finding out. So maybe one of my next steps should be finding a Christian counselor in the area who can help me sort through all of this. If anyone knows of such a counselor (preferably reformed) then please holler out. If not I've got a feeler or two I can put out.

....with the jolly roving tars

2009-07-27T16:08:00.002-05:00

I've figured out what we're doing for our anniversary. For some reason I'm constitutionally unable to spend $400-500 on a weekend at a bed in breakfast, and considering the accommodations at the cheaper places I will only say that I enjoy waking up in a tent. However, by dint of much searching I discovered a national historic site right on the bay that has historic sailing adventures by day and sea shanty singing on the dock by night. So that's the plan -caltrain, ships, singing, pizza, and really old arcade games. Really the perfect Saturday I should say.